


all my cards are here

by haey1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, F/M, Fuck JKR, Getting Together, M/M, Marauders, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29558628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haey1/pseuds/haey1
Summary: Sirius cracked a well-practiced smirk, “Nice to meet you, Remus.” Sirius looked at his bandmates loading their equipment into Potter's car, “You wouldn’t happen to know a bassist, would you?”-Marauders Band AU - After kicking out their bassist, James, Sirius, and Peter recruit local bartender Remus Lupin as their newest member.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 24
Kudos: 50





	1. welcome to the marauders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs in this chapter:  
> This Side of Paradise - Coyote Theory

“No, Snape. We’re done with your shit. Get the fuck out of here.”

Remus had just walked out of the bar for a smoke break in the alley. The band from earlier that night was packing up their instruments and, apparently, kicking out their bassist.

“Fuck you, Potter,” the bassist with the greasy hair shot back, “This band is shit anyways.”

Remus lit and cigarette and watched with vague interest. The band had been good tonight. They had a nice mix between rock and indie, not to mention the drummer had been particularly attractive. But now the band seemed to be in total disarray. Over what? Remus didn't have a clue nor did he care. He did not get paid to break up fights.

“Whatever you say, Snivellus,” said the boy in the leather jacket - the drummer, Remus remembered. “You’re an asshole and a racist and if I never see you again, it would be too soon.”

The greasy bassist stepped up to lead singer - Potter, Remus remembered him saying - and Remus groaned internally. He was a pretty good fighter, you had to be when you worked at a bar like this, but he really didn't want any new bruises. 

The keyboardist, a short blonde boy, walked into the alley and looked between his bandmates, “What’s going on guys?”

“We’re kicking out, Snape,” the leather jacket man said, “and he’s trying to stick his big fucking nose in Potter’s face like he could ever take a punch.”

Snape turned on him then, “And you would know all about taking punches, wouldn’t you, Black?”

“Fuck you,” he said with real malice and raised a fist.

“Ay!” Remus yelled from the other end of the alley, “I don’t want any fighting here. Get your shit packed and get out of here.” The boys looked over at him. None of them seemed to have realized he had been there. Remus just stared them down as he blew out his smoke, “I’m not telling you twice.”

The bassist - Snivellus, they were calling him - stepped back, spit on their shoes, and stormed off. Once he finally left their sights, the rest of the band visibly relaxed. 

“Fuck,” the Potter boy said as he leaned against the wall, “What are we going to do?”

“Who needs him? We’re better off without him,” the leather jacket man replied.

“We do need a bassist though,” the blonde boy finally said.

There was a moment of silence as they all appeared to be racking their brains. Remus should probably get back to work by now, but he remained under a false pretense of making sure they weren't going to start another fight.

“I can ask Lily if she knows anyone,” Potter said.

“Asking Lily is exactly what got us into this mess.” The leather jacket man sighed and caught Remus’ eye. “Hey,” he called out, “can I bum a smoke?”

Remus would normally say no. He abhorred talking to strangers, but something about the band intrigued him. Plus, the drummer had looked beautiful under the stage lights. “Yeah, alright,” Remus replied.

The leather jacket man smiled and walked over to Remus. Remus dug in his jacket and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter, handing it over. The leather jacket man was indeed still beautiful, with unruly long black hair and bright blue eyes that made even the dark alley a bit brighter. Remus set fire to the lighter and watched as the soft orange flame illuminated the stranger’s face. 

The stranger leaned into the flame with the cigarette between his teeth. The dancing light caught on the sharp line of his cheeks and the soft chaos of his hair. Then, the cigarette was lit and Remus capped the flame and the alley returned to the same dark and cold it had been moments ago.

“So what’s your name?” the stranger asked.

“Remus,” he replied. There was once a time when he would've been nervous being in such close proximity to such an attractive man, but Remus had worked here long enough to know that musicians are all self-obsessed assholes and he immediately stopped caring what any of them thought of him. Yet still, his mother raised him to always be polite, “and yours?” he said after taking a drag.

“Sirius Orion Black,” he flashed a grin, “star drummer of the soon-to-be world famous Marauders.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, “Do they have star drummers? Honestly, I can’t name one.”

“Ringo Starr.”

“He was a Beatle. Doesn’t count.”

“Travis Barker.”

“If I asked a random woman on the street who Travis Barker was, she wouldn’t be able to tell you.”

Sirius looked almost offended before reading the small smile on Remus’ face. “Well, then, Remus No-Surname. I guess I’ll just have to be the first.”

Remus looked at him. He truly believed that, and the worst thing was, some part of Remus wanted to believe it too. “Lupin,” Remus said.

“What?”

“That’s my name. Remus John Lupin.”

Sirius cracked yet another well-practiced smirk, “Nice to meet you, Remus.” Sirius took a drag of his cigarette and then looked at his bandmates loading their equipment into the Potter boy’s car, “You wouldn’t happen to know a bassist, would you?”

Which is how, the next morning, Remus ends up taking a train to the outskirts of town and walking 20 minutes to a seemingly abandoned warehouse. He would’ve completely turned around were it not for the fact that 1) he heard very familiar voices shouting over very familiar music and 2) if Remus was honest with himself, he’d played in worse. Hell, he’d lived in worse places.

He walked through a door that was barely on its hinges and walked into the open room. Inside, half of the roof had caved in, the walls were covered with graffiti, and there were shattered glass bottles littering the ground. Maybe it had been a factory at some point, but it seemed like no one had occupied in years. It was honestly quite beautiful but only in the way broken things are beautiful.

The boys were in the middle of practicing but when the Potter boy spotted Remus he immediately put down his guitar, “Remus! You made it!”

Sirius stayed seated at the drum kit but gave Remus a wave. He had forgone the leather jacket today for a sleeveless black tank top and his long hair pulled up in a bun.

“Thank you so much for doing this man,” Potter said to Remus. He was talking really fast and looking for a set of papers in his bag. “Snape was such a dick for leaving us like that, especially when we have a gig this weekend.”

“I thought you kicked your other bassist out?” Remus said. It was starting to dawn on him that he didn’t really know these people beyond some night at the bar.

“Well, he forced our hand on that one. I don’t have a lot of rules, mate. We all have our bad days, but I draw the line at bigotry,” at this, the Potter boy looked Remus straight in the eyes. It was all Remus could do to nod. “Wonderful. Okay, so the first song we’re doing is - “

“Wait,” the blonde keyboardist said, Remus still hadn’t caught his name, “shouldn’t we make sure he can play first?”

Remus was wondering the same thing himself, but Sirius spoke up, “Mate, there’s gonna be industry people at the gig this weekend. Talent agents, producers, people who could help us get somewhere. We don't have time to find someone else. All Remus here needs to be is not terrible and we can do the rest.”

The next twenty minutes were spent learning the song step by step. Remus picked it up pretty quickly, especially since he remembered most of it from last night, but he wanted to be absolutely sure he knew what he was doing at every moment. James - the first name of the Potter boy - was extremely patient with him the whole time.

“Okay, I think we’re finally ready to put it all together,” James said at last. “Count us in Sirius.”

Sirius started the count, hit the first few beats and the whole room exploded into a sea of sound. Remus dived in headfirst. It had been so long since he had last played with a band, or at least and a good one, and he had honestly missed it. The way you could completely surrender to the rhythm and focus only on the sound.

Halfway through the song, James shouted, “Okay Remus, bass solo!” and it was Remus’ turn to show off. James had barely prepared him, saying simply to do whatever and the rest of them would follow. Remus decided it was time to show off, playing the most complex bass lines he knows and trying to match the energy of the drums behind him. Sirius followed him perfectly. 

When he finished, the boys just stopped and stared at him. “Well,” Sirius said, “He’s certainly not terrible.”

-

The gig was on Friday night, which meant that Remus had to beg one of his coworkers to pick up his shift and also had to spend every waking moment he’s not at work practicing with the band.

They had fallen into an easy rhythm. Remus would arrive at practice at 5 pm where James would, inevitably, be writing some song in his journal and Peter would be practicing silently on his keyboard with headphones on. Remus would set up his stuff and do some basic warmups. 

Sirius wouldn’t get there until 5:15 because, “Sirius Orion Black has his own time zone,” which Remus learned is just asshole for “I’m always late and I expect you all to wait for me.”

Then they would practice the songs to death until 7 when Remus would rush over to the bar so he could start his shift as the closer and he would work until 3:30-4 am, go home, and start the day all over again. It was exhausting, but Remus liked the band and he needed the money.

The band didn’t talk much; James kept them much too focused on absolutely perfecting their songs. But Remus had managed to learn a bit about them. James and Peter grew up on the same street and had known each other forever. James and Sirius had met at boarding school and have been inseparable ever since. 

There were also things Remus learned that they didn’t tell him. For example, Sirius always had texts blowing up his phone and a growing number of hickeys on his neck. James was in love with some girl named Lily who paid him no mind. Peter was jealous of Sirius and James’ friendship but tried his best not to show it.

They hadn’t asked Remus many questions, which Remus was frankly thankful for. Remus knew what he looked like - tall with scruffy hair and enough scars to make people think twice about hiring him. Most people kept their distance from him which Remus much preferred to prying questions.

None of the Marauders had said anything to him about it, but he knew they were curious. He once overheard James whispering to Peter, “I don’t care where he got them. He plays damn good bass and that’s all that matters,” and sometimes Remus caught Sirius staring at him. Whenever it happened, Remus just raised a silent eyebrow and Sirius would go back to his drums. After living with the scars for so many years, Remus knew how to handle them.

By the time Friday night came around, Remus was pretty sure he could play the songs in his sleep. James had texted him the address and time but Remus was still the last one there, even Sirius was there before him.

“Am I late?” Remus asked as he approached the stage where they were setting up.

James looked up with a bright smile, “Not at all!”

“Yeah, but Sirius is already here.”

“Hey!” Sirius called from where he was setting up his drums. “I can be on time.”

“Only because James drove us,” Peter said from his keyboard. Remus nodded but he was acutely aware of the two trains and a bus that he took to get to the venue. 

Remus stood by his corner of the stage and began setting up his bass. Sirius was warming up, playing a tune Remus recognized from one of the songs. Peter had his headphones in and was essentially dead to the world. James was pacing the stage like he was going for the Olympic medal for anxious walking. 

“Jesus Christ, Prongs. I can feel your nerves from here,” Sirius exclaimed. “Sit the fuck down and chill.”

“This is important, Padfoot. This could be the beginning of everything.”

The weird animal nicknames was another thing Remus had noticed. Prongs for Potter, Padfoot for Sirius, Wormtail for Peter. This, combined with the million other times the boys would mention some name they all knew or an inside joke from secondary school, it was like watching someone make plans without you.

The Marauders were cool and they made great music, but Remus had no illusions. He was just here until they could find someone better.

“Oh no,” James said from where he was sitting cross-legged on stage.

“What?” Remus said quickly. He looked around the stage. They had all their instruments. The amps were set up. Even the lighting seemed to be working.

“Lily is coming tonight.”

Sirius exploded into a ball of laughter, “No pressure, mate.”

James ran a hand through his hair, “Fuck, what are we going to do?”

“Are we not just gonna do the set?” Peter asked.

“No, of course not. We can’t just sing our normal shit. This is Lily we’re talking about.”

Sirius came up beside Remus and whispered, “Lily once told James that she would rather die than, and I quote, ‘watch your piece of shit band indulge in the self-obsessed male delusion that is performing.’”

Remus chuckled. He liked Lily already. “What changed her mind?” Remus whispered back.

“No clue,” Sirius said.

James had gone into a full spin frenzy. “Remus, how fast can you learn a song?”

“Pretty fast,” he replied.

“Okay, guys. Scrap ‘Only Losers Live Forever,’ we’re gonna do 'This Side of Paradise.'”

“Absolutely not,” Sirius yelled. “We can’t be changing shit this close to the set, just because your crush is coming. Industry people will be here.”

“Lily will be here! I wrote this song for her! This could be my only chance to show her how I feel.”

“I think she knows how you feel,” Peter mumbled, “That’s kind of the problem.” Sirius gave this a laugh and Remus really wished he knew who the fuck this Lily was. 

“Why don’t you just teach me the song, James, and then if we have time at the end of the set, we do it then?” Remus said.

Sirius looked a bit pissed he even suggested it but James broke out into a smile, “Wonderful. Okay, so it starts with these chords.”

Remus spent the next thirty minutes learning the new song, meanwhile, Sirius huffed and only played the drums after James asked him three times. By the time Remus had learned the song, he was unsure Sirius and James were still on speaking terms. But, it was almost time for the set, so they went offstage to get ready.

Backstage, Remus found Sirius sitting on the ground applying eyeliner in some dark corner of the green room while looking at a dirty hand mirror. “I won’t play it if you don’t want me to,” Remus said to him. 

“No, no. Don’t worry about it." Sirius sighed, "James just has this complete fucking blind spot when it comes to Lily.”

“Mmmm,” Remus said, thinking about all the boys he once wrote love songs to. “I think we all have people in our lives who we’re like that with.”

Sirius glanced at Remus for just a second and then returned to doing his makeup. “Maybe,” he said, “I’m not sure I have one.”

Remus laughed and sat down next to Sirius, “Please, your phone never stops buzzing. I know you have someone.”

“That’s just a bit of fun,” Sirius said dismissively. "No one I'd write a song about."

“Well, you have James at least. He’d do anything for you, that’s clear.”

“Yeah,” Sirius sighed, “and I'd do anything for him.”

Remus smiled, “Even play a song for some girl he’s never gonna get?”

Sirius laughed, “I guess I don’t have much choice when you put it like that.” 

Sirius capped his eyeliner and leaned against the wall He stared at Remus and Remus stared straight back. Remus became very aware of everything around him: the cheap carpets, his ill-fitting jeans, Sirius’ tight-fitting black ones, the three inches separating Sirius' knees from his own, Sirius' bright eyes and chapped lips.

He didn’t know much about Sirius Black but he did know this: the man was fucking attractive.

“This is important to all of us,” Sirius said as he shifted his gaze down to the carpet, “but I don’t have a backup plan. Peter has his government job. James has his rich parents. I don’t have any of that. All my cards are here. I can’t fail.”

Remus looked at Sirius, with his posh voice and perfect posture, and wondered how he ended up sitting in the dingy green room of some rundown bar. “This is all I’ve got too.”

Sirius gazed at him and somehow, Remus felt like he was talking about more than just the music.

Eventually, a stagehand came out to grab them. They walked out on stage to a crowd of densely packed strangers. The stage lights were still low, so Remus could vaguely make out the faces of a few of them.

“Which one is Lily?” Remus said to James as he put his bass around him.

“Pale skin, red hair, a beauty that rivals the Gods,” James responded and then got up to the mic. The stage lights were turned on which effectively blinded Remus from ever being able to find the infamous Lily in the audience.

“How are we doing tonight?” James asked the crowd and a chorus of drunken woos responded. “Wonderful. My name is James Potter and we’re the Marauders.”

They launched into their first song and Remus focused himself on the music. He heard Peter’s keys, James' voices, and the steady beat of Sirius’ drums. Distantly, as one song moved into another, he was aware of the crowd swaying and dancing along to the music. If Remus could spend the rest of his life one way, it would be like this. 

The music should’ve been difficult, but James’ militaristic training had turned it into muscle memory. By the time they got to his big solo, there wasn’t a single nervous atom in Remus’ body. He gave his entire being over to the music and it showed. 

When their set was up, they were all drenched in sweat and the crowd was absolutely fanatical. There was a flood of screams and even calls for an encore. James looked at the rest of them and mouthed the word, “Lily?”

Sirius nodded and they all prepared for the next song as James got up on the mic. “Thank you, guys. Thank you. Here’s one last song for the night. It goes out to someone special. You know who you are.”

Remus played the opening notes. It was only him and he was focusing so hard on getting it right. Then Sirius came in with the drums and he knew it would all be okay.

James got up to the microphone and sang his heart out:

_ Ask me why my heart's inside my throat _

_ I've never been in love, I've been alone... _

This song felt different than all the others. So much of the Marauders' music seemed like they were trying to make a popular song. This one felt like James had taken his heart out and poured it into musical notes. 

As they hit the chorus, the energy of the song took over. Every single one of them, even Sirius after his blatant distaste, was putting everything they had into it. It felt like they were all one being, all on one plane.

_ So if you're lonely, no need to show me, _

_ If you're lonely come be lonely with me _

The crowd was loving it but Remus honestly didn’t care. Just being a part of it was enough.

Once the song ended, the crowd screamed and cheered as they all exited the stage. They filed into the green room with exhausted smiles on their faces. “Great job, boys,” James said to them. 

“Yeah, we were killing it out there,” Peter said excitedly.

Remus looked to Sirius to find him already staring back at him with a wild smile. “You really know how to play bass, huh?”

Remus just shrugged, “I’ve had a lot of practice.”

Sirius looked like he was about to say something else, but at that moment the door of the backstage burst open and a head of bright red hair marched into the room. “Lily!” Potter called out but she walked right past him and stood in front of Remus.

“Remus John Lupin. How fucking dare you?” Remus stared wide-eyed at the furious ginger before it dawned on him.

“Lily Evans! What the fuck? It’s been forever.” Remus pulled Lily into a massive hug. 

“I take it you two know each other?” Sirius said from beside them.

"Yeah, we went to school together for like three years,” Remus said. He had let Lily go but still had an arm around here. “We were absolutely inseparable.”

“We were the scholarship kids at the posh school,” Lily recounted fondly.

“An alliance like no other," Remus said. "Then I moved away and you went to that fancy boarding school. God, I always wondered what happened to you.”

“What happened to me? What happened to you?” Lily was smiling but then she reached out a hand and traced one of the scars on Remus’ jaw. She was the only one he would ever allow to touch them.

“Not to break up this happy reunion,” a voice said from the doorway, “but I’m afraid I must cut in.” Everyone turned to look at the young woman walking in. She had dark brown skin, large curly hair, and a sleek yet professional look that one would not expect for this kind of bar. 

“The name is Marlene McKinnon. I’m a manager for Phoenix Records. I know it’s late so I’ll make this quick. I like what you guys did out there. I liked your energy. I especially liked that last song. I think you guys could be the next big thing and I want to be the person to take you there."  Marlene took a business card out of her jacket and handed it to James, “This is my card. I’ll be in my office starting Monday at 10am. If you’re interested, call me. Have a good night boys,” and just as soon as Marlene had walked into the room, she had left it. 

James stared down at the card in his hand, “Did that really just happen?”

Sirius walked to stand behind him and peer over his shoulders at the heavy white business card that laid in James’ fingers. “I think it did.”

Peter broke out into a smile, “I guess that Lily's song was a good idea then.”

“The what song?” Lily accused.

“Doesn’t matter,” James said quickly. “What does matter is that Remus here has known The Lily Evans this whole time and never mentioned anything.”

“You guys never said which Lily you were talking about.”

“Why are you guys even talking about me?”

“Isn't it obvious, Evans?” Sirius hummed, “Prongs, here, is in love.”

Lily pulled a face of disgust, “Ugh, get over it, Potter. It is never going to happen.”

“Just wait, Evans,” Sirius said with a smirk, “One day you’ll see the light.”

“You came to the show, didn’t you?” Peter butted in.

Remus watched as Lily’s face turned practically indignant. “I’ll have you know I only came to the show because Severus asked me to find out about their new bassist.”

“So you came to spy?” Sirius fired back.

“I came as a favor to a friend, Black. It’s not always about some stupid feud between you and Snape.”

“He’s a bigot!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Not he's not! He’s just had a hard life!” 

“Yeah, well so have I! You don’t see me shouting conspiracies.”

Remus looked at the two of them shouting to no abandon. He hadn’t met Snape long but from what he gathered he was bad news. But he also remembered all the stories Lily had told him of summer adventures with Sev growing up. Like always when he hung around the Marauders, he felt like he was missing several crucial pieces of information.

“I don’t want to pick sides because I really don’t know what’s going on,” Remus said, “but it’s been a long day and I just want to go home and sleep.”

This seemed to quiet both of them as Lily and Sirius looked at him with kind eyes.

“Right,” said James, hopping on the quick moment of peace. “I’m with Remus that we should start packing up. Do you need a ride home, Remus?”

“That’d be great, actually. Thank you.” Remus did not want to lug his bass around town this late. He wasn’t sure the trains were even still running. “Can I give you my number, Lils? We should get lunch soon.”

Lily smiled at him and started putting her number in Remus’ phone. As this happened, Remus saw James mouth “Lils?” at Sirius which only earned him a shrug. Lily gave back his phone, “Right, well then. Great job everyone. It was so lovely seeing you again, Remus.” She placed a kiss on his cheek and walked out the door.

Everyone resumed packing, except for James who simply stared at the closed doorway. “She really is something else, isn’t she?” he said dizzily.

Sirius patted him on the shoulder, “Keep dreaming, Prongs.”

-

The next day, Remus found himself on the way to James and Sirius’ place. James had called an emergency band meeting about the whole manager situation. Their flat was in a nice part of town, far nicer than where Remus lived. It was the kind of flat for young professionals or people just out of college who had nice parents who could pay their rent. Remus suspected that James was the latter.

Remus knocked on the door only to hear Sirius shout, “It’s open!” from someplace on the other side. That's another thing - Remus would never leave his door unlocked, even if he was expecting company. Just another luxury we couldn't afford.

Remus walked into the empty living room. The furniture was clearly picked out by someone’s mother; it was all clean and modern. Yet The decorations were something else entirely. The walls were covered with instruments and band posters. The style was the cross between an ecletic musician and 15 year old boy. And there was the framed photos of James and Sirius that were littered on every surface.

Remus went to look at one by the windows. It was seemingly a family portrait with a mother and a father, both with dark skin like James himself, who stood between their shoulders, but right next to them, under the woman’s comforting arms was Sirius. He and James couldn’t have been older than 17 at the time. 

The one next to it was a photo of James and Sirius in what Remus assumed was their dorm at university. Sirius was still wearing that stupid leather jacket with one arm around James’ shoulder and wide smiles on both their faces. They looked completely at ease with the world.

“One of my favorite photos, that one,” Sirius’ voice came from directly behind Remus. 

Remus almost dropped the frame he was holding, “Jesus Christ, Sirius. A warning.”

“Sorry,” he said, not looking sorry in the slightest. “It is my flat, after all.”

Remus put the photograph back where he found it, “My fault, shouldn’t have been snooping.”

“It’s not snooping to look at framed photos, Remus.” Sirius was still standing close to him. Remus liked the way his name sounded on Sirius’ voice. He said it gently as if the word itself was rare. 

“Can I get you anything?” Sirius asked as he walked into the kitchen. “Water? Soda? A beer?”

“It’s 11 am,” Remus responded following Sirius. The other boy had reached into the fridge and already opened a beer can for Remus.

“Time is a social construct,” Sirius said, wiggling the can in front of him.

“I have to work later. Sorry."

“God, do you ever rest?” Sirius said as he sat himself on the counter across from where Remus was standing and took a drink from the can.

“With rent this high? Never.” Remus reached out and grabbed the beer can out of Sirius’ hands, took a large sip, and handed it back to him. Sirius' face broke out into a mischevious grin.

“I didn’t know you were such a rebel, Lupin.”

Remus crossed his arms, “You don’t me very well, Black.”

“We should change that,” Sirius said, leaning in slightly. 

Before Remus could even begin to process what that meant, (didn’t Sirius have a girlfriend?), James burst loudly through the front door.

“You would not believe the line at the grocery store, Pads!” James shouted, oblivious to Remus' prescence in the kitchen. 

Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically for Remus’ amusement and hopped off the counter, “Really?”

“Yeah!” James said and dropped some bags on the counter, “Oh, hey Remus. What are you doing here?”

“You called an emergency band meeting?”

“Oh shit, what time is it?” James checked his phone, 11:10 am. “Okay, we still have at least five minutes until Peter gets here.”

“I thought Sirius was the late one.”

“Oh, I am,” Sirius said, “but Peter always sleeps in on the weekends.”

“Plus, Sirius is only late when he’s with some girl,” James added as he unpacked the groceries, “What’s her name? Amelia?”

“Shannon,” Sirius sighed. “You’re thinking of Emily. Amelia was years ago.”

“Oh yeah, whatever happened to Emily? She seemed nice.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “You barely talked to her.”

“Yeah, but she was pretty. You should’ve seen her, Remus. Long blonde hair and such a beautiful body.” 

"Hey! We don't objectify women here," Sirius said, though he was wearing a smirk and clearly recounting a fond memory. 

“You have a girlfriend, Remus?” James asked.

“Nope. Just me,” Remus said. He looked over at Sirius briefly to gage his reaction but Sirius was wearing the same self-satisified look he always does. Was he into Remus or is he just a flirt? It wouldn't be the first supposedly"straight" musician Remus had met.

“Well, if you ever want a girl, just ask Sirius. He’s probably hooked up with half of London by now.”

Remus raised an eyebrow to Sirius. “Don’t scare away Lupin with my sex life. We need him.”

James had finished putting away the groceries and turned to the two of them, “Right. I guess it's a good time to get down to business.”

James walked into the living room and they all followed. Sirius dramatically laid down on the couch while Remus sat in the armchair next to it. James stood as he outlined the plan.

“So on Monday, we’ll call Marlene and set up an appointment to go in and see her. When we go in, we need to know what we want. She’ll probably suggest small-scale touring which I think would be a good move and if that goes well - an album. What we need to know is if you’re in?”

Remus realized James and Sirius were staring directly at him. “Yeah, I’m in,” he said casually.

“Not just now,” Sirius said. His body looked completely relaxed but his voice was dead serious, “this could be the next few years of our life. If we’re touring that means spending every hour of our day together for months.”

For some reason, Remus didn’t hate the sound of that. 

“I know we just met, but you are a god on that bass and honestly, you seem pretty chill,” James said, “If you wanna leave, tell us now so we can find someone else.”

Remus looked at them. Logically, he didn’t really know these people. They could be serial killers or just general dicks. But what did Remus have now? A dead-end bar job he mostly hated and a hundred songs he’s never performed. Why not take a chance?

“Who said I’m going anywhere?” Remus said and James broke out into a wide grin. Remus stole a glance at Sirius and saw a crooked smile on his lips.

“Well, Remus,” Sirius said, “Welcome to the Marauders.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know nothing about music. i also don't have like a specific sound for the band, just roll with it.
> 
> -
> 
> songs in this chapter:  
> This Side of Paradise - Coyote Theory
> 
> -
> 
> i already have chapter two written, I just need to edit it, so expect that soon!


	2. friends, old and new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs in this chapter:  
> Ship in a Bottle by fin  
> This is Love by Air Traffic Controller

The meeting with Marlene was scheduled for Wednesday at 2 pm which meant that at 1:15 pm, Remus was desperately going through his closet trying to find the outfit with just the right mix of professional and personality. Every sweater he owned was thrown all over his bed, sp he eventually gave up and called James.

“What the hell are we wearing?” Remus asked as soon as the line connected.

There was a laugh distantly on the other end that sounded suspiciously like Sirius’ but James answered him, “Well Peter is wearing his work suit. I am just wearing a white button-up and some black slacks. Sirius on the other hand is refusing to wear anything but his ripped black jeans and leather jacket - “

“Hey,” Sirius’ voice cut in, “I look damn good and I won’t change my style for anyone.” Remus heard a long-suffering sigh come from James, but Sirius continued speaking, “Honestly, Remus, just wear anything. You always look great.”

Remus had no idea what to do with that compliment so he just looked at his pile of clothes once again. He had a button-up from when he used to do job interviews; it might work. “Okay,” Remus said, “I’ll see you guys there.”

“See you, Remus!” Sirius shouted into the phone and then there was James’ voice saying his goodbyes.

Remus showed up to Phoenix Records at 1:50 wearing black jeans, a button-up, and a comfy sweater. (Ostensibly because it was cold, but in reality, it was because he needed support if he was going to get through this meeting). He met up with the rest of the Marauders and they walked inside the giant glass building.

The lobby was enormous, with wide-open windows, modern sculptures, and a waterfall wall that was at least twenty feet high. Everyone was wearing business suits or professional-looking dresses. Remus felt immediately out of place and started fidgeting with his sleeves.

“Relax,” Sirius said quietly beside him, “You look cute. Marlene will love you.” Remus let out a shaky breath and gave Sirius a small smile.

“Thanks,” he said back. “You look great too.”

“I always do, Remus,” he said and then the four of them made their way to the receptionist's desk.

There was a young woman sitting behind the counter who straightened up immediately when she spotted them. “Hey, Sirius,” she said in a low voice. “It’s been a minute.”

Remus watched Sirius’ face. There was not a trace of recognition in it, but if there was one thing Sirius Black could do, it was flirt. “Hey, love,” he said as he leaned over the counter, “Yeah, it’s been far too long.”

The woman smiled. “So what are you doing here?”

“My band and I have a meeting with Marlene McKinnon.”

The girl turned back to her computer and started typing rapidly. “The Marauders?”

Sirius flashed a grin, “That’s us.”

“She’s on the fifteenth floor. Room 1510. I’ll let her know you’re on your way.”

“Thank you, love,” Sirius said and then leaned in close to her, “text me.” Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

Once they were in the elevator, Sirius was standing against the wall with a self-satisfied smirk.

“How do you do that?” Peter asked.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Pete. Some of us just have charm.” He locked eyes with Remus and winked. Remus refused to unpack whatever the hell that meant.

“Leave some girls for the rest of us, won’t you?” James said.

Sirius was saved from answering by the opening of the elevator doors. The four of them navigated through the winding hallways until they reached room 1510. The door was open, but James still knocked politely.

Marlene looked up, “Oh hello boys. Come in and close the door behind you.”

The four of them sat down across from Marlene. She sat at a large desk filled with papers and photographs of different bands. Behind her were large glass windows that only fed into Remus’ intimidation.

“So, this is the Marauders,” she said.

“That’s us,” James replied, only a little bit of nerves in his voice.

“Tell me about each of you. What you play, how you all know each other, all that.”

“Well, I’m James Potter. I am the lead singer and I sometimes play guitar. I grew up with Peter Pettigrew,” he gestured to Peter, “who plays keys and then I met Sirius Black at school, he's the drummer, and the three of us became friends.”

“Sirius Black,” Marlene interrupted, “Any relation to Black Banks?”

“That’s my family’s company,” he said with only a bit of tension.

“So Orion Black, is that your father?”

“Yes,” Sirius said. He wasn’t one to normally give such short answers.

“And you want to be a rockstar? Surprising.”

“Yeah, well. I’m full of surprises.” From his tone, it was clear Sirius did not want to speak about this. Marlene didn’t back down though.

“Don’t give me an attitude," Marlene said sharply. "You think I’m going to be the only person asking that question? If you hadn’t noticed the music industry is full of judgmental assholes.” Remus wanted to laugh but he held it in. Marlene may be intense but at least she was honest. “People are going to look at you and look at all that money and a life set out for you and wonder why the hell you chose music.”

She then turned her attention to Remus, “Same with you. What’s your name again?”

“Remus Lupin. I play bass.”

“How’d you get those scars, Remus?” she asked pointedly. There was clear tension in the room and Sirius looked like he was three steps away from murdering someone. But Remus wasn’t worried. He got these questions all the time.

“Oh, I was mauled by a werewolf, you see,” Remus replied casually. 

Marlene gave him an amused look. “Really?"

"Yeah, don't go on moonlit walks in the woods. I apologize in advance if the full moons interfere with the band's schedule."

Marlene full-on laughed, but then said, "Really though, what happened?” 

“Accident when I was a kid,” Remus said with a smile. “Can’t even remember it, actually.” There was one gift that came from these scars, Remus was an excellent liar.

Marlene smiled. “That’s how you answer an uncomfortable question. Take notes, Mr. Black.” Sirius looked at Remus with an unreadable expression. “You all should be prepared for all kinds of intrusiveness. If you make it big, people won’t think anything about you is off-limits.”

“You think we could make it big?” James asked.

“Sure,” Marlene said. “Your music is good - catchy, yet interesting. I especially liked that last song you played at the bar. It had heart. Not to mention that you’re all attractive young men. If you play your cards right, you could have something here.”

James leaned in, “How should we play our cards?”

“Well, if I were your manager, I would suggest an album. We record it here and then while it’s being mastered, you go on tour. Mostly small gigs, drum up a bit of interest. Drop the album halfway through. If it does well, we continue the tour. Then you make another album.”

“So you’ll be our manager then?” James asked. 

“I would like to be,” Marlene said, “But it’s not only up to me. There’s a whole team of other people you need to convince. I want you to record a demo. Show them why they should care. Give me five of your best songs by next week.”

“A week?” Peter asked.

“Is that an issue?” Marlene had a raised eyebrow and Sirius was shooting him daggers.

“No, not at all,” Peter said.

“Great. I expect it in my email by 9 am next Wednesday. I will give you a call then.”

-

The walk back to the car was silent as they all processed the interview. Finally, once they were all seated, Sirius said, “Five songs.”

“I know,” James said.

“How can we possibly choose?”

“And how are we going to get the songs recorded in time?” Peter asked.

Remus just watched as they all argued over song titles, yet Remus didn’t feel an ounce of stress. The upside to being the new guy was that no one asked you your opinion.

“Are you guys good if we go back to our apartment to hash this out?” Sirius asked them. Peter nodded vigorously. 

“Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t have to work today,” Remus replied and Sirius gave him a bright smile which Remus tried his best not to think about.

20 minutes later, they arrived at James’ and Sirius’ apartment. Wasting no time, Sirius brought out four beers and James was already pacing circles around the room. Peter had disappeared into Sirius’ room and came back with a keyboard that he placed on the kitchen table.

“Do you mind if I use this?” Remus asked Sirius, gesturing to a guitar hanging on the wall. 

“Go ahead,” Sirius said as he handed Remus a beer and sat next to him on the couch. Remus began strumming. “I didn’t know you played guitar.”

Remus started adjusting the key on the guitar as he answered, “Yeah, it’s easier to write on than the bass.”

“You write songs?” Sirius asked to which Remus simply nodded. There was a whole couch yet Sirius chose to sit with his knees touching Remus’. Remus added it to his list of things to ignore about Sirius Orion Black. “Can I hear one?” Sirius’ voice was so gentle that it was almost a whisper.

Remus glanced at him. “Aren’t we supposed to be narrowing songs down, not adding more?”

“Please?” Sirius asked, “Just for me.” Everything in Remus’ body was telling him to get out now before he fell headfirst into the enigma that is Sirius Black.

But instead, Remus just started playing a song. It was an old favorite of his, one he had written about a fling he had years ago. 

_You can fit everything you know_

_In a bottle for you to show_

He had a kind of friends with benefits thing that they both knew but refused to admit was more than just that. Seeing as he had no idea what the fuck was going on between him and Sirius now, it felt appropriate.

_This is all your own battle to win_

_This is your ship and you are the captain_

Remus didn’t dare look at Sirius as he sang it. He focused his mind purely on not fucking up the lyrics, though Remus knew he could play this in his sleep.

_Oh, captain, let's make a deal_

_Where we both say the things that we both really feel_

As Remus continued through the song, he noticed that the apartment had gotten a lot quieter. Whatever James and Peter had been arguing about before had clearly resolved.

_I feel scared and I'm starting to sink_

_And I only sink deeper the deeper I think_

It wasn’t until the end of the song that Remus looked up and saw that not only Sirius but James and Peter were staring at him too.

“Holy shit,” Sirius breathed.

“Remus, what the fuck was that?” James almost shouted. “You didn’t tell me you could sing! Or play guitar!”

Remus just shrugged, “You never asked.”

“Did you write that?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, a few years ago.”

“Remus Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is Lupin, I could kiss you right now,” James said.

Remus laughed lightly, “Thanks, but you’re not really my type.”

“Do you have any other secret talents we don’t know about?” 

“I also play piano a bit and the drums,” Remus said looking between them. He wasn’t used to so much attention on him. "And I can juggle."

“Damn, Lupin,” Sirius said. “Leave something for the rest of us.”

“We should add that song to the demo,” James said with finality.

“But isn’t that cutting it a bit close?” Peter asked. “No offense, Remus. I love the song but we’re on a deadline.”

“Fuck the deadline,” Sirius said. “Those three minutes were better than half the shit we’ve come up with.”

Which is how Remus found himself teaching the Marauders how to play his song, Ship in a Bottle, every day for the next week. He wasn’t as much as a perfectionist as James was, preferring to let everyone riff on it a bit and add whatever felt right to them.

As he watched Peter experiment on the keys or found the harmonies with James, it started to feel like he was actually a part of the Marauders, even if just for a little bit.

He especially liked what Sirius did with his song. It felt like he perfectly understood what he was trying to say, and more than that, he always played it like it was the only thing that mattered to him. _“I can’t fail,”_ Sirius had said to him that night at the gig. He sure played like that was true.

-

Halfway through the week of their nonstop practice, Remus snuck away for an hour to get lunch with Lily. They met at a cute cafe not far from James and Sirius’ apartment.

“God, Remus, it’s been far too long,” Lily said as she hugged him in greeting. It was just as familiar as it had been when they were fourteen.

“It really has, Lils. Tell me everything.” 

Lily dived headfirst into a full history of her life since she moved away from Remus. Her dad got a better job and she apparently got a scholarship at some posh secondary school, which is where she met Sirius, James, and Peter.

“What were they like in school?” Remus asked which prompted Lily to roll her eyes.

“They were kind of dicks, if I’m honest. Sirius and James were absolutely inseparable and Peter always did what James did. They pulled these pranks all the time. Some of them were pretty funny, actually, like one time they somehow changed the school announcements to play “Toxic” by Britney Spears in between classes.” 

Lily was smiling at the fond memory. Remus wished he could’ve been there and lived that life with them.

“But they could also be such asses. Sirius and James were on the rugby team and all that. This one prank - they put hair dye in the rival’s team shampoo and they all had blue hair." Lily was pissed but Remus it was kind of hilarious imagining a bunch of jocks with bright blue hair. "And it was a week before their formal," Lily continued. "Pissed off so many parents, I’m honestly surprised they weren’t suspended.”

“Why weren’t they?” Remus asked.

“Well, Sirius’ parents are on the board of governors. They’re big donors and everything. I don’t think he could’ve gotten suspended if he tried." Lily paused as if sifting through memories, "Sometimes it did feel like he was trying.”

“Yeah, I heard that his family owns a bunch of banks."

“Yup. Old money and all that. Though that family is a nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Sirius can be a dick, but no one deserves whatever hell he went through.”

“Did he talk to you about it?” Remus asked. He got the distinct impression that it was not something Sirius would talk about openly.

“No, we were never close. I don’t think he talked about it with anyone besides Potter, but you know, it was a pretty small school. Plus his brother, Regulus, was in the year below us. There were all these whispers about a falling out between them. My friend once saw them argue and it was not pretty. And then there was this rumor that he was practically living with James by the time uni came, not sure if it’s true or not.”

Lily was silent for a moment, caught up in her memories from school. Remus thought back to that family photo he'd seen in James and Sirius' apartment. It was clearly a family photo. Did he live there or was it just his escape from the Blacks?

“Anyway," Lily said, "how did you meet them?”

“They played at my work one night and asked if they knew anyone who played bass,” Remus said, thinking it best to avoid the whole part about them kicking out Snape. Whatever happened, he would like to remain neutral.

“Well, you guys are good. I can tell you that much.”

Remus smiled, “Thanks, Lily. I bet James would let you join. We could resurrect The Scholars.”

Lily burst out laughing, “Ohmygod, I had completely forgotten about The Scholars.” It was the name of the band they started when they were eleven. They were absolutely terrible but it gave them an excuse to hang out.

“We were ahead of the time,” Remus said. “Underappreciated.”

“No, we were just bad. Our poor parents,” Lily laughed. Remus had forgotten how much he'd loved that sound.

“I’ve missed you, Lils,” he said. “More than you know.”

"I've missed you too, Remus." He could see Lily looking at his scars, the new ones that hadn’t been there when she left. She didn't ask what happened. She knew most of it anyway. She just reached her hand across the table and squeezed Remus' hand. "The full moons must have been pretty rough," she said softly.

"Not that bad anymore," Remus said. "Now that I'm out here on my own." It was their little code, how they talked about what was too terrible to speak aloud. She had been the one to suggest the werewolf thing in the first place. All through school, she'd tell it to anyone, kid or adult, that was rude enough to ask. 

"I'm glad it's better now," Lily said. Remus squeezed her hand and then let go.

“Thanks, Lils. Let’s talk about your life. Do you have a boyfriend because James seems pretty keen?”

“Ugh. Absolutely not. He’s been obsessed with me since we were 15. He literally would always ask me out so obnoxiously at school. It was honestly embarrassing.”

“Oh, so he’s been harboring this crush for years?”

“Centuries. I don’t think he ever even dated anyone else. Not that I think he could’ve since Sirius snogged almost every girl who looked his way. It would’ve violated some bro-code probably.”

“So Sirius was always this girl-obsessed?” Remus had been trying to figure out how to ask about Sirius without being obvious.

“Yeah. That man is a heartbreaker. I don’t know how many girls I’ve had to hold while they cried tears over that boy. Like I said, asshole.”

“Yeah. The band had this meeting with the manager from the show. He clearly had a history with the receptionist.”

“Of course, he did. Honestly, I don’t know how you hang around them.”

“I don’t know,” Remus said. “I think they’re pretty fun. They certainly care a lot about the band and that's all I ask.”

“Ugh, men. Well, as long as you’re happy.”

“I really am, Lils.” For once, Remus was telling the truth.

-

That night was yet another band practice. They were working their asses off and the stress was wearing on all of them. James had stopped practice again to explain to Peter for the fourth time how the melody was supposed to go. It took all of Remus' mental energy to try not to internalize their anxiety.

Instead, Remus used this as an excuse to talk to Sirius, who was full-on lying on the concrete ground next to his drums. He could be a very strange man sometimes. Still, Remus laid down next to him and stared up at the cold sky breaking through the caved-in ceiling. 

“I got lunch with Lily today,” Remus said.

“Don’t tell James that. He’ll skin you alive.”

“He really holds a torch for her, huh?”

"Yup. On the first day of the school year, we were maybe 14/15, James saw her in the halls, turned to me, and said, ‘I am going to marry that woman.’ It’s been his thing ever since.”

“Do you think there’s any hope for them?”

“There’s always hope, Remus.” Sirius' eyes had not left the night sky above them. “Anyway, you know Evans better than I do.”

“I don’t know. She had many things to say about you.”

“Is that true?” Sirius asked, amused.

“Yeah. Said you were quite the heartbreaker.”

Sirius sighed, “Well, we all gotta have our fun somehow.”

Remus didn’t have anything to say, so he just remained silent. The night sky was pitch black, only the crescent of the moon and one bright star.

“Why’d you start playing music, Remus?” 

“My mom played piano at church so she would teach me on the weekends.” He remembered those days quite fondly. Empty rows of pews, tall white walls, afternoon sun, his mother’s soft sing-song voice, her hands pressing down on Remus’ fingers until he was big enough to play on his own. “It became our thing. And my parents thought it would keep me out of trouble.”

"Did it?"

"For a bit. We all grow up at some point."

“That’s sweet though," Sirius said. "Your mother sounds nice.”

“Yeah, she was.” They were silent for a few moments. “Why’d you start?”

Sirius sighed, “Well, my mother was big on classical training. Forced me to play piano since age two. Had this nightmarish teacher, used to slap our wrists with a ruler if we played it wrong. I hated the whole thing, but I liked the music. Once I went to school, I learned the drums because it was the farthest thing from dignified society that I could get.”

Remus thought about Sirius at five years old playing piano with stinging red hands. It didn't sound like an environment conducive to a love of music. “Do you still play the piano?” Remus asked.

“Yeah. I mean, when it’s drilled in that young, it’s practically muscle memory. Probably better than Pete, if we’re honest with ourselves. But it was always more of my brother’s thing. Plus, it would make my mother way too proud of herself if she saw me do it onstage.” After a moment he added, “Not that she would ever come to a show.”

Remus remembered what Lily had said. A nightmare, she called them. Remus wondered how deep that went.

“Okay, boys!” James shouted. “One more time!”

Sirius groaned but went back to his drums. Remus strapped on his bass, Sirius counted them in, and they played, and played, and played.

-

By the time the songs were due, Remus was dead on his feet. As much as he enjoyed the band, he still needed to make money, and staying up until 3 am every night was literally killing him.

They had recorded demos of all the songs by Tuesday afternoon, but James was still freaking out. “Can we record Lily’s song one more time? It needs to be perfect.” 

“Sorry, James,” Remus said as he packed up his bass, “I have to get to work.”

“You can’t stay five more minutes?”

“I’m almost late as it is.”

“Can we record it after your shift? When do you get off?”

“No, James.” Remus persisted. “I have to go.”

James was rummaging through his bag and pulled out his wallet, “Look, how much do you make in a shift? I’ll pay you to stay.” James started pulling out 50, 100-pound notes.

Remus stared at that cash. Of course, James had more money in his pocket than Remus makes in a week. He looked from James to Sirius who - terrible family or no - had $300 shoes on. And who knows how much Peter made in a year at his cushy government job. It was all just a rich boy’s game.

James outstretched his palm, filled with cash like it meant nothing to him. He held it as casually as one would hold a stick of chewing gum.

Remus slung his bass over his shoulders. “Fuck you, Potter,” he said and went to go catch his train. 

As he walked out, he heard Sirius say bitterly, “Way to go, Prongs.”

As Remus boarded the crowded tube, he couldn’t stop thinking about how much money James held in his hand. He wondered how James would spend his night. Probably in his beautiful apartment, watching TV and making a nice home-cooked meal for him and Sirius.

Did James even have a job? Or Sirius for that matter? They never spoke about it, nor did they ever seem to have any other priorities. Music might be their only lifeline, but Remus still had bills to pay.

So Remus did what he did every night. He clocked in, stored his bass behind the bar, and tried to get through another night of managing drunk strangers. At least it was a Tuesday, he always made better tips on Tuesdays.

-

Halfway through his shift, he saw a familiar leather jacket at the other end of the bar and all the anger he had pushed down to get through the shift was bubbling to the surface.

Sirius was chatting with his coworker and as Remus made drinks he heard Sirius say, “Oh, I’m actually here for my friend, Remus. Is he working?” 

Remus wanted to die. Of course, Sirius would come to visit him tonight which, like every Tuesday, was their queer night. The whole place transformed from a grungy dive into a gay bar. Usually, it was Remus’ favorite night. The customers were better, he had quite a few regulars, and sometimes he would even find someone to go home with.

The other bartender responded to Sirius with a little laugh, “Yeah, I’ll get him for you.”

His coworker approached him. “Got a boy asking for you,” he said as he handed Remus a tumbler to clean. “He’s hot as all hell. Has that whole leather jacket, faux biker look.”

Remus glanced to where Sirius was sitting. He did look good, but Sirius always looks good. “Yeah, that’s Sirius. He’s in my band.”

“Well, you better go talk to him because, with a face like that, it won’t be long before somebody else does.”

Remus rolled his eyes but went down to where Sirius was seated. In fact, another boy had already started speaking with him. An old friend of Remus’ actually, with bleached blonde curls and baby blue nails. “Remus!” his friend yelled when he spotted him.

“Oliver!” Remus responded with the same enthusiams. Oliver had his arms outstretched and embraced Remus across the bar, kissing him on both cheeks. Remus nodded at Sirius who was staring at him, “Hey, Sirius.”

“Oh, do you two know each other?” Oliver said with an intoxicated smile. 

“Yeah,” Remus said, “We’re in a band together.”

Oliver’s smile grew wider. “Remus Lupin on stage. Now that is a sight I would pay to see. Written any songs about me?”

Part of Remus wished Sirius wasn’t here - the man was clearly out of his depths - but some other part of Remus was more than happy he was. Remus leaned across the bar into Oliver’s space, “I guess you’ll just have to come to a show and see.”

Oliver laughed, “Don’t say that, babes, because you know I will.” Sirius coughed and that’s when Remus remembered just how pissed he was at him. Oliver noticed whatever was happening between them. “I’ll leave you two to it,” Oliver said as he got off his chair, “but find me later, Remus.”

Remus smiled and watched as Oliver joined the dance floor. He turned his attention back to Sirius. “What can I get you?” he said like Sirius was any other customer. It was cold but Remus was angry and it took everything in him not to just throw Sirius out now.

“What was that?” Sirius asked.

“What?”

“You and that boy,” Sirius said, “Are you guys like friends?”

“What the fuck is it to you, Sirius?”

“Nothing. It’s just…” Sirius trailed off.

“Just what?” Remus spat out. He didn't have time for this bullshit. He still had the rest of his shift to get through.

“I didn’t know you were gay,” Sirius mumbled. 

“You’re unbelievable,” Remus said. There was absolutely no way that was true. Not with the way Sirius had been acting toward him. “Is there a reason you came here? Because Tuesday night is our pride night and judging by this little conversation, you have absolutely no business sitting in a gay bar right now.” Fuck getting him kicked out, Remus was about five seconds from throwing a punch.

Sirius sighed. “I came here to apologize for James. He can be an insensitive ass when it comes to money. Believe me, I know.” 

The worst part was that Sirius actually seemed sincere. It made Remus want to punch him more. “This could have been a text message, you know. You didn’t have to come all the way out here and make judgments on my friends.”

“I wasn’t judging,” Sirius muttered. “Just confused.”

“What part of this is confusing for you?” Remus wanted to scream, but he was at work and he needed this job so he sighed and said, “Look, it was a bad idea for you to come. I’ve got customers waiting. I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

Sirius looked like the last thing he wanted to do was leave, but he wasn't saying anything either. Remus was about five seconds away from abandoning him to the mercy of his coworker when Sirius spoke up.

“I don’t have any problem with you being gay, Remus. I’m just…” Sirius trailed off and looked around at the bar, at the men dancing under colorful lights. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said and walked out.

Remus stared at the seat Sirius had been sitting in. What the fuck did any of that mean? Just then, a group of six came up to the bar and Remus fell back into the pattern of making drinks, flirting with men, and earning tips. He didn’t have time for the ball of sexual confusion that was Sirius Orion Black.

-

The next day, the band convened at James and Sirius’ apartment to await a phone call from Marlene. Remus didn’t even bother coming over until 11. He knew James would spend the whole time pacing through the apartment. Plus, he had gone home with Oliver last night and he always enjoyed mornings with Oliver. He was a baker and always made Remus take some pastry with him before he left.

Remus showed up at the flat, freshly showered with tea and a scone. He also still had his bass because he hadn’t been home since yesterday.

“Finally, you’re here,” James said when he came to the door. 

Remus leaned his bass on the wall and sat down on the couch, “Any news?”

“Not a word,” Sirius said with his arms crossed, leaning against the doorway to his bedroom. He looked at Remus for just a moment before returning his gaze to James who had started stress cleaning the already spotless flat.

“It’s been hours!” James exclaimed. “How long can it take a woman to listen to five songs?” Then James abruptly stopped cleaning as if remembering something and turned his attention square on Remus, “Also, mate, I wanted to apologize about the other night. I was stressed and an asshole and I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Remus said genuinely. After everything with Sirius last night, he decided he needed to pick his battles. Plus, James looked actually remorseful which is more than Remus expected from the lead singer of a rock band. 

“Are we good?” James asked with an unsure smile.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Remus responded. 

“Great!” James yelled and jumped back into pacing, “Now I can go back to worrying about this fucking phone call.”

"It’ll be fine, Prongs,” Sirius said, for what sounded like the thousandth time, but James clearly was not listening to him.

“Wanna have a jam session?” Remus suggested. “It’s what I do when I’m stressed.”

James shook his head, “Not here, the neighbors would kill us.”

“You have a car,” Remus pointed out, “We could go to the warehouse.”

James looked at Sirius, who shrugged noncommittally, “Okay, let’s go,” James said and grabbed his car keys.

They piled into the car - James and Sirius upfront, Remus in the back. The two of them seemed to have a complete routine. James starts the car, checks the mirrors. Sirius hooks his phone to the aux, pulls up a playlist, and offers gum to James, who takes it without looking. There was an easy familiarity between them.

Remus, however, was offered neither gum nor song choice. In one moment, he very quickly understood all those scornful looks Peter gave them when their backs were turned. Around the two of them, it sometimes felt like you didn’t exist.

For the whole car ride over, the only sound was Sirius humming along to the music. James was clearly too stressed to talk and Remus had nothing to say to Sirius right now - not in front of James at least.

It is of course only when they were just about to get out of the car that Marlene calls. James' eyes go wide and quickly connects the call, “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Marlene. I showed the demo to people around the office.” She said, wasting no time. ”They liked it. The music is solid. They want you in here to record an album. 7 of your best songs.”

“Really?” James said, “That’s great.”

“Yup,” Marlene said like she broke this news everyday. She probably did. “The studio isn’t available for another month though. In the meantime, do as many shows as possible. You need to get your name out there. Music is great but none of that matters if no one is here to listen to it. Got that?”

“Yeah - “

“Great. Alright, I got another meeting. I’ll email you the dates.” The line disconnected and all the boys sat in silence.

“Well,” James said. “That’s good news.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, but he didn’t really feel it. "She's not very warm and fuzzy, is she?" 

“I’ll go call Peter and tell him the good news,” James said and exited the car. The moment his door shut, the car was eerily silent. Even the air felt still. Remus was acutely aware that this was the first time he had been alone with Sirius since the disaster last night at the bar.

“Why aren’t I happier?” Sirius asked.

So they were just going to act as if nothing had happened. Okay. “That’s a big question, Sirius. One they make religions around,” Remus said, purposefully misunderstanding him. “I don’t think I can answer that for you.”

Sirius let out a small breath, “You know what I mean. It just feels like as soon as make a little progress, we just keep getting told to wait.”

Remus thought about trying to comfort him, but he’s always been shit at that. “Yeah, it's not like I thought we'd be successful overnight, but still, it's fucked.” Remus sighed. “You know what this means though?”

Sirius turned in his seat to face Remus, “Tell me.”

Remus leaned in, “We’re gonna make a damn good album.”

And there it was, that Sirius Black grin.

“Alright, boys,” James said as he poked his head back into the car. “Ready to jam?”

The jam session was quite fun. They couldn’t play any of their normal songs without Peter on keys, so they all just danced around and followed each other’s lead. At one point, they all switched instruments - Remus on drums, Sirius on vocals, and James on bass. It was absolutely ridiculous and yet they didn’t even sound bad. In fact, they sounded great.

Not to mention, Sirius was mesmerizing on vocals. His voice was rough and didn’t have the clarity that James had, yet it meshed perfectly with the sound. It was low, dirty, and didn’t have time for anyone’s shit. 

Sirius was freestyling lyrics. Most of it was bullshit, describing the depressing warehouse or some escapade with a girl. Yet sometimes Sirius plunged into these moments of complete lyrical lucidity.

_It's pathetic, I know_

_A jealous fool who won't let go_

_If I was sorry for my actions_

_Would I ever stoop so low_

Sirius sang it like his entire being depended on it, yet who he was jealous of, Remus didn’t have a clue. Remus had yet to see a girl he couldn’t get.

_Got no reason to live_

_And I've got nothing left to give you_

_But my love, love, fuck it, this is love_

Remus switched the rhythm to a low, constant, kick on the bass drum. Sirius transitioned into what felt like a barely disguised confessional.

_Oh I was hit as a kid_

_I was good but then I quit_

_Everyone that tried to fix me_

_Knows that I can't change a bit_

_I've got no shame, got no pride_

_Only skeletons to hide_

Remus kicked up the beat, James joined back in, and Sirius went back to his nonsensical musings, as if he hadn't just poured his heart out. But James didn't think anything he said was worth stopping the music over, so Remus just kept playing. 

There was one other thing: while Sirius may be a god on the drums, it was a damn shame no one else got to hear his voice.

As they left and loaded back into James’ car, Remus could sense that something had shifted. As they backed out into the road, Sirius offered James a stick of gum, and then turned and extended one to Remus. 

Remus never thought spearmint could taste so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading!! if you have anything you wanna say, feel free to drop a comment or go to my [ tumblr ](https://kriskrakel.tumblr.com/)
> 
> -  
> songs in this chapter:  
> Ship in a Bottle by fin  
> This is Love by Air Traffic Controller


	3. jealousy games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is long af lmao. this whole fic is gonna be so long.
> 
> -
> 
> songs in this chapter:  
> Circe by Glass Doors  
> The Bidding by Tally Hall

Their next gig was that Thursday. Remus realized that while James and Sirius organized the music, Peter organized everything behind the scenes. He had set them up gigs every weekend for weeks in advance. He's the one who emailed owners of bars and made a point to set up their social media, even if barely anyone followed it. Peter may not be as vocal about it, but it was clear that he was as dedicated to the band as the rest of them.

The gig was a bit far away so James had offered to drive them all, and unlike every other time, James had insisted on picking up Remus from his apartment.  Remus didn’t want him to come to his part of town. He didn’t have a fancy apartment with bakeries on the corner and a park across the street like James and Sirius had. His neighborhood had drug deals on the corner and the near-constant smell of cigarettes and weed. 

Unfortunately for Remus, there just wouldn’t be time before when he got off the morning shift and when the gig started for him to be able to go home, change clothes, and get to their flat on time, so being picked up it was.

Remus rushed out the moment James arrived, dropping his bass in the trunk and taking his seat next to Peter. James and Sirius were chewing gum, Peter was not.  As they drove, Remus saw his neighborhood through their eyes: boarded-up windows, potholes, the homeless man on the corner. The homeless man was actually quite nice and always wished Remus a good morning, but they didn’t know that. They just saw poverty.

The car was silent. Peter kept nervously glancing out the window and then back at Remus. James had a death grip on the wheel, but Sirius was just staring out the window as if it was any other street. He was even humming along to the radio. He silently offered a piece of gum to Remus and then, as an afterthought, offered one to Peter as well.

Once they got on to the main roads, however, the rest of them visibly relaxed. “So, do you think Lily will come tonight?” James asked.

“I told her about it,” Remus said, glad to have something else to think about.

“I’m still not over the fact that Remus knew Lily all this time,” Sirius said. “Do you have any wise words on how James could finally woo her?”

“Please say something useful,” Peter lamented. “We’re so tired of this.”

“Stop trying,” Remus said. “She’s too busy seeing you only as a pest that she can’t see that you’re actually really nice and attractive and talented.”

“You really think that will work?” James said.

"Please say yes," Sirius cut in.

“I know, Lily,” Remus said, but really he just knew how to get a guy. It was cliche, but playing hard to get had worked for him more times than not.

“Do you know Lily well? You guys were friends as kids, right?” James’ voice was trying to sound casual but Remus caught his meaning - he was trying to ask if they had ever dated. 

Remus wanted to laugh. If James couldn’t pick up that he was gay, then he deserved to be messed with. 

“Oh, yeah,” Remus said, “We were inseparable. I was absolutely devastated when I had to move... I think some part of me will always love her.” Remus looked out the window wistfully to really sell it. Nothing he was saying was technically a lie. "I can't wait to hang out with her again."

“Oh,” James said in a way that effectively ended all conversation. He was clearly barely containing a large amount of rage.

Remus quickly texted Lily:  **I’m trying to convince James that we dated in the past and that we might date in the future. You in?**

Lily responded almost immediately:  **Fuck yes.**

When Remus looked back up, he caught Sirius’ eyes in the rearview mirror. He looked somewhere between confused and pissed.  _ Good _ , Remus thought,  _ let him be the confused one for once. _

Remus sent off another text to Lily,  **Are you coming to the show tonight?**

**Of course. See you then, my love ;)**

Remus couldn’t wait to see the look on James’ face.

-

The venue was similar to the last one - bar up front, stage in the back, dark walls, and sticky floors. It was the place you had to get drunk to enjoy. The boys had set up their instruments, practiced for a bit, and then went backstage to the green room that was just as grimy as the bar itself.

Sirius was staring into the mirror as he did his eyeliner. His face was light up by the soft yellow glow of the vintage lights surrounding the glass. He looked remarkably like how he had that first night they met in the alley.

“Do you always wear makeup on stage?” Remus asked.

“You’re supposed to wear makeup under stage lights or else you’ll be washed out," Sirius responded quietly.

Remus knew this, of course, “Yeah, but only on like big stages. Not in rundown bars that sell watered-down vodka.”

“Still,” Sirius said, “I think I look better in it, don’t you?” Sirius turned to face Remus with his eyes lined in black.

_ You always look great _ , Remus wanted to say, but couldn’t. “Yeah,” he said instead. “It looks pretty alright.”

“I could do yours, if you want?” and because Remus was an idiot, he said yes.

Sirius had him sit down across from him in a chair, their legs intercrossed as Sirius leaned in with a black pencil. When Sirius’ face was this close to his own, he could see every detail of him. His long eyelashes, the little pores on his skin, the black of the makeup contrasting the blue of his eyes. There was no question in Remus' mind that he was one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen.

“Look up,” Sirius said softly. Remus followed his command, despite every part of him wanting to commit Sirius’ face to memory. “Try not to blink.”

The pencil was uncomfortable and Remus honestly thought he was going to lose an eye about twenty different times, but Sirius’ hands were steady and gentle. Sometimes, one would even come up to grasp Remus’ cheek to hold him in place. His rough calloused hands touching Remus' scars so casually as if they weren't even there.

It would be so easy to lean in and kiss him, Remus realized. They were so close that he could feel Sirius’ breath on his skin. But Remus knew he couldn’t. Not here, with Peter and James in the room. Not with a gig to follow. Not with no way of knowing how Sirius will react. Maybe one day when it was just the two of them, Remus thought, but not tonight.

“Okay, what do you think?” Sirius asked, pulling away from Remus’ face.

Remus looked at himself in the mirror. He never liked his appearance much - skinny and scared - but with Sirius’ smiling face behind him, he couldn’t help but smile too.

“I look like a rockstar,” Remus said.

“Dress for the job you want,” Sirius replied. 

Remus looked at the room around them. On the walls were signatures and messages from hundreds of other bands who played here. All of them wanted this same dream. He wondered how many of them actually got it.

“Wanna go for a smoke?” Remus asked, mostly because he needed a cigarette, but also because the thought of this room was almost depressing. He didn't want to be reminded of all the bands that never were.

“Yeah, sure,” Sirius said and grabbed his jacket.

As they were walking out, James called to them. “Where are you two going?”

“For a smoke,” Remus replied. James shot Sirius a strange glance but just nodded.

They went outside which was surprisingly warm for the time of year and Remus got out his pack of cigarettes. He offered one first to Sirius, who took it gratefully, and then Remus took one for himself. He lit them up and leaned against the wall as he blew out his first breath. 

“Fuck, I needed that,” Remus said. It was embarrassing how good it felt, how much he needed it. If his mom could see him now… Remus closed off that line of thought.

“I don’t actually smoke much,” Sirius said. Remus raised an eyebrow. “Only sometimes when I get drunk.”

“That explains the weird look James gave us.”

“Yeah. He can be a bit protective sometimes.”

“Afraid I’m gonna corrupt you?” Remus asked with a smile.

“Well,” Sirius said. He blew out smoke and continued, “You can hardly say he’s wrong.”

_Just the two of_ us, Remus thought. He looked at Sirius in profile - with his leather jacket and aristocratic cheekbones lit up by the cigarette held between his long fingers. He was so beautiful under the night sky.

Suddenly, there was a shout from the end of the street. “Remus John Lupin, if that is a cigarette between your teeth, I will kill you!” Lily yelled.

“Shit,” Remus said, laughing as he made no attempt to hide it. Sirius looked more than a little startled.

Lily stormed over, took the cigarette out of his mouth, threw it on the ground, and stomped it out. “Honestly, Remus, don’t you have asthma?”

“Nah, I grew out of it,” Remus gave her a grin but the woman was immune to his charm by now.

“Still," she said, pissed. "Those things kill, you know?”

“Isn’t that the point, Lils?” Remus said with a sardonic smile.

“Don’t even joke about that,” Lily said. Behind her, a girl started walking quickly up the alley.

“There you are, Lily! You completely disappeared.” The girl was dressed for a concert - with a tight fighting dress and black fishnets. She was standing close to Lily, clearly a friend. She was very attractive and judging by the look on Sirius’ face, Remus wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“Sorry, Mary. I spotted my friends.” Lily started to introduce them, “This is Remus Lupin who I grew up with. He plays bass. And this is - ” 

“Sirius Black,” Sirius cut her off. He offered a hand to Mary with a well-practiced smile, “It’s a pleasure to meet you. What’s your name?”

“Don’t even start, Black,” Lily warned but Mary waved her off.

“Mary Macdonald,” she said as she stepped forward. She reached a hand up and touched Sirius’ jacket. “I love the leather.” She then grabbed Sirius’ cigarette, took a drag, and then gave it back to him. 

Remus had seen enough. “Lily, would like to come see backstage with me?”

“You’ll be okay, Mary?” Lily asked wearily.

“Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about me.” Mary’s eyes hadn’t left Sirius’.

Remus grabbed Lily’s hand and practically dragged her away from the scene. If that was heading where he thought it was, he wanted no part of it.

When he walked back into the green room, he was still holding Lily’s hand, something James took note of immediately. “Oh. Hey Lily,” he said politely.

“Hey, James,” Lily replied cheerfully. “I just wanted to thank you for bringing Remus back into my life. I truly don’t know what I do without him.” To really sell it, she leaned into him and placed a kiss on Remus’ cheek.

“Right,” James said and looked down at the floor. He sounded genuinely dejected but Remus knew that James was such a good guy that he would never say that in front of Remus and his supposed new girlfriend. “Is Sirius out there?” He asked, standing as if to go join him.

“He is,” Lily said, “but you don’t want to go out there.” James just gave her a confused look.

“Lily introduced him to a friend of hers, Mary,” Remus explained. “I don’t think we’ll see either of them for a hot minute.”

Lily giggled, full-on giggled, into Remus’ chest. James' face fell and he went to go sit with Peter. Remus could only catch snippets of their conversation, but for the sounds of it, Peter was explaining a new chess move he learned in exquisite detail as James nodded mutely.

Remus and Lily sat down on the couch with his arm around her. He leaned in and whispered into her ear, “Are we bad people?”

“It’s only James,” she whispered back.

“Still, he really cares about you.”

Lily let out a loud laugh. James looked over and then quickly looked away with hunched shoulders. “He doesn’t actually like me. It’s just a big joke to him that’s gone on far too long,” Lily said back quietly.

Remus looked at Lily’s face for any trace of a joke, but she was dead serious. She truly believed that James Potter didn’t like her. “Lily, are you an idiot?”

“Excuse me?”

“This isn’t some joke to him. Sure, he’s bad at showing it, but he does really like you. It’s quite annoying actually.”

Lily sighed, “You sound like Sirius.”

“What?”

“Back at school, he would always say shit like, ‘Please go out with James so you can spare us all the monologues.’ I thought he was just in on it.”

“There’s nothing to be in on, Lily. He’s bloody mad about you.” Remus could tell Lily was staring at James across the room. “Look, I’m not going to tell you to date the dude. It’s your life and honestly, Potter can be a lot to deal with. But don’t totally discount him either.”

“I don’t know what to say, Remus.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Just think about it.”

“Okay,” she responded and cuddled up to Remus under his arm. They were like this back in grade school, too - always touching and whispering to each other. Everyone else had thought they were dating, which honestly saved Remus from a lot of trouble back then, but it was never like that with them. Some people just feel like home.

Remus doesn’t know how long they sat there, but at some point, someone from the bar came over and told them that they’re on in five minutes.

“Well, I better go find, Sirius,” James sighed as he stood up and went out to the alley.

In a few moments, James comes back with a thoroughly rumpled Sirius and a smirking Mary. Sirius went straight to the mirror to fix his hair, but nothing could cover up the blaring purple hickeys he had developed on his neck.

“Come on, Lils. Let’s go get a good spot,” Mary called out to Lily and they walked off together.

“Have a good time?” Remus asked Sirius with a raised eyebrow. 

Sirius gave him a wide smile, “It’s always a good time when it’s with me.”

Remus saw James roll his eyes, “Come on, boys. Let’s get on stage.”

-

The set went well as they always did. Sirius was absolutely manic in his drumming. He kept flipping his hair every which way and was constantly flashing wide smiles toward the crowd, toward Mary, no doubt. But where Sirius was wild in his physicality, James was measured and reserved. He stood alone at his microphone and sang into it with a raw emotionality Remus had never seen from him in any rehearsal.

_ All I wish is to be with you all my life. _

_ But I'll just have to settle for tonight. _

_ Yes, I'll just have to settle for one more night. _

Was this song about Lily? Probably. Most of his songs were about her or rather the idea of her.

_ How do I fit in with you? _

_ And how will you expect me to? _

_ If just for now, I need to have your company. _

As James continued to the sing, he refused to look at Remus. He wasn't even looking out into the crowd. The performance felt almost too private to look at, so Remus just focused hard on playing his part, but as soon as the song was done, Remus knew he had to tell James the truth.

-

The four of them headed back stage after the show. Sirius, of course, dramatically collapsed onto the couch. He looked completely exhausted but he was smiling. James, however, just pulled out his notebook and started writing quietly in the corner. Remus decided to avoid both of these men and instead walked over to Peter.

"Hey good job tonight, Peter,” Remus said to him, mostly because no one ever seemed to.

“Oh, thanks, Remus. You were great too,” Peter smiled at him and for the first time, it didn’t seem nervous in the slightest.

It was then that Lily and Mary burst into the room. Mary wasted no time and immediately grabbed Sirius off the couch and brought him into an embrace. The two of them started making out with the intestity of a couple that hadn’t seen each other in years instead of two hours.

Lily rolled her eyes and went to stand next to Remus.  “Can you please do that literally anywhere else?” Remus said to them. The two of them pulled apart briefly, neither of them looking the slightest bit ashamed.

“Wanna get out of her?” Sirius asked Mary who nodded in reply.

“Lily, is it okay if we go?” she asked.

“No, it’s not okay. You drove us here,” Lily said with arms crossed against her chest.

“You could have James take you home,” Sirius said and then looked at James with pleading eyes.

James looked up from his notebook, “Yeah, I can take Lily home,” he said quietly and returned to his writing.

“Sweet,” Sirius said and then started packing up all his stuff. Remus' eyes followed him as he went. He wanted to reach out and say something, but what? _Don't go._ _Stay here with me instead of the beautiful girl on your arm._ But he had no claims over Sirius. There's no reason Sirius would listen to him. Just as him and Mary were about to leave the room, Sirius caught Remus' eye, gave him a small, sweet smile, and then turned back to Mary. 

Sirius Black was going to be the death of him.

Eventually, Lily turned to Remus. If she had noticed Remus' staring, she didn't mention it. Instead, she just said, “You guys were really good tonight.” 

“Thanks," Remus responded. "I’m surprised you came. It was most of the songs from the last time anyway.”

Lily shook her head. “I’m not going to miss your performance. Not to mention, I wanted to show you guys to Mary. I thought she would like it.”

“Well, she certainly liked something,” Remus muttered.

Lily burst out laughing. “Nothing stops her.” Then Lily paused and looked over to James, “Plus, I find something new every time I listen.”

Remus followed her eyeline. “You should go over and talk to him. Tell him he did a good job.”

She sighed, “But he’s an asshole, isn't he?”

“Well, all musicians are assholes," Remus said, "But he really isn’t. Not now, anyway.”

“I don’t know, Remus.” Lily was still staring across the room where James was leaned over an old notebook. For once, James was completely oblivious to her.

Remus leaned into Lily's ear, “He’s not exactly bad on the eyes, either.”

“Shut up,” she said and Remus felt satisfied as a blush spread across her cheeks. “Fine. I’ll go talk to him.”

She went over to the corner James was in and sat down across from him. Remus wanted to watch and see how it went but he gave them their privacy. Instead, he set about packing up his stuff and then when that was done, he texted Oliver about their show next week. He had mentioned that he wanted to hear Remus play.

Oliver responded quickly: **i'll be there <3 play something nice for me**

Remus rolled his eyes and smiled down at his phone: **Flirt. I'll play something deliberately terrible now.**

Oliver: **:(**

Remus' conversation was interrupted by Lily loudly laughing and yelling Remus’ name. “Remus, you have to come over here right now.”

Remus walked over to a hysterical Lily and a very confused James. “Tell Potter that we’re not dating.”

“We’re not dating,” Remus said easily which only seemed to confuse James more.

“But you are!” James was starting to become outraged, “You were cuddling for like an hour earlier. You literally said, and I quote ‘some part of me will always love her!’”

“Aww, you said that?” Lily asked with a smile.

“Sure did,” Remus said and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

“See!” James shouted, “How is that not dating?”

Remus and Lily broke down in laughter again. “I’m gay, James,” Remus said.

James’ face cycled through fifteen emotions as his outrage bled to shock that bled to joyful awe. “You’re gay,” he said faintly. He looked like a child who had just walked into Disneyland.

This only made Lily and Remus laugh harder. 

“Well mate, I support you 100%,” James said, coming back to himself. “I’m so happy you felt comfortable enough to tell me and I'm really glad we're friends.”

“God, look at him being so nice,” Lily said to Remus, “It almost makes you feel bad for playing with him.”

“I know right? I would say never again, but I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

James looked between them, “What are you two talking about?”

“It was a prank, Potter, like the ones you and Black used to pull all the time,” Lily answered. “We wanted to see what you would do if you thought we were dating.”

“Oh,” was all that James said.

“The answer is, apparently, be very respectful about it and then go sulk in the corner to write break-up songs,” Remus said.

“And give a damn good performance,” Lily added.

“I was not sulking,” James muttered and he checked his phone. Lily shot Remus an amused smirk. “Anyway, it’s about time we should probably be heading out anyway.”

All of them started packing up their stuff with Lily helping to load it into James’ car. James had gone to talk to the bar owner and get their cash from the show. Unlike most of their gigs that were by check, it was nice for Remus to have the money in hand.

They all climbed into James’ car - Peter upfront, Remus and Lily in the back. It was a casual car ride. Peter seemed a lot more talkative, especially with James next to him. But every so often, Remus would catch James glancing back to look at Lily and sometimes, when James had his eyes on the road, Lily was looking back at him.  Occasionally, Lily would give James directions of which streets to use to get to her house. She had refused to give James her address on the grounds that that would be “too much power in his hands.” (She did, however, text it to Remus with an invitation to come to tea soon).

As soon as Lily was safely behind the locked door of her flat, James turned his attention to Remus.

“So you two are not dating.”

“Nope,” Remus replied with a smile.

“Not even a bit?”

“James, there’s not a chance in hell I would even date Lily Evans. I assure you I am a very,  _ very,  _ gay man.” Peter choked on his water when Remus said this but otherwise remained silent.

“Okay,” James said, “Then first of all - you are an evil creature to even suggest otherwise and if you ever play with my emotions like that again, I will not hesitate to cry. That is a threat.” Remus didn’t think it sounded like one, but then again, Remus would not know what to do with a crying James.

“Second of all,” James continued, “You are a pranking mastermind and we absolutely must pull you into our next prank.”

“Oh no, we aren’t starting this again, are we?” Peter lamented.

“Oh, come on, Wormtail. It’ll be fun.”

“Yeah unless you’re the lookout and therefore always the first to get in trouble,” Peter muttered.

“Lastly!” James said over this. “This is the first time in years that Lily wasn’t mean to me and I have a feeling you have something to do with it.”

Remus just shrugged, “Lily is her own woman. She has her own ways independent of any thoughts I may have on her relationships.”

“Sure, sure,” James said disbelieving, “I know the truth, Remus.”

“Wasn’t Lily nice to you in our last year of school?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, but only because she had to be. It was only because we had prefect duty or she wanted my help in studying. She was just being, you know, civil or whatever.”

Remus had never known Lily to ever need someone else to study. In fact, Remus had the distinct impression that there just might be hope for James Potter.

-

Sirius was in a mood. A raging, storming, breaking drumsticks type mood. 

It was a few days later at band paractice. Remus didn’t know what his problem was. As they arrived at the warehouse, Sirius had slammed the door of James’ car so hard Remus was afraid it might break. He then went straight to the drum without even a greeting or a nod to acknowledge Remus’ presence. When they started practicing, Sirius was playing every song like the drums had personally offended him.

Halfway through rehearsal, Remus had shot James a raised eyebrow but James just shook his head.  _ Don’t ask. _

It was getting harder and harder to ignore, however, especially when they were in between songs and a tense silence would descend around them. No one dared to speak unless it was related to the music.

And then Sirius’ phone rang. They all looked at each other and then looked at the phone. Except for Sirius, who just started playing the drums over the shrilling ring. No one else started playing. 

Sirius kept up the maddening beat - fast and hard yet somehow it still sounded halfway decent - until one of his drumsticks broke and splintered into his hand. 

“Fuck!” Sirius yelled with anger that made Peter flinched. James looked over, concerned, and then went back to politely pretending nothing had happened.

“I’m done with this shit,” Remus said to the room. He put down his bass and turned on Sirius, “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Remus,” James tried to say but Sirius cut him off.

“Excuse me?”

“What the fuck is up with you today? Because clearly something has upset you and instead of dealing with it like a fucking normal human being, you’ve decided to go on some self-destructive spiral and break your fucking hand open.”

Sirius looked down at his hand as if he didn’t realize it was bleeding. “Just let me play the fucking drums, Remus.”

“No, because drums are for the big kids who know not to come to rehearsal if they’re gonna act like a brat and take out their shit on everyone else.”

“We need to practice for the album.”

“Then I’ll play the fucking drums since I’m the only one who seems to know how without injuring themselves.”

Sirius stood up abruptly, “Don’t touch my fucking drumkit.”

Remus walked over to the drumkit and went to push past Sirius but he wouldn’t move. For once, Remus was glad for the few inches he had on Sirius. They stared at each other for a moment, both of them practically seething. Remus tried to move past him again, but Sirius pushed back hard on Remus’ chest. Remus stumbled back a few steps but he grabbed onto Sirius’ wrists.

Remus held Sirius’ hands up to the light, examining the little cuts and pieces of wood that had been implanted in them. “James, can you go get a first aid kit?” he asked with a cold calm. Sirius didn’t dare move.

“Yeah, Peter and I will go grab it,” James said hurriedly. The two of them rushed out of the room. Remus and Sirius stayed silent, only their heavy breaths filling the air. Remus didn’t dare let go of Sirius’ wrists, nor did he dare to look at the boy they belonged to either.

James ran back into the room with the kit. “Do you need me to help with anything?” he asked.

“No, this is great, James,” Remus said, letting go of Sirius’ hands and taking the kit.

“Right, well then I’ll leave you to it.” He smiled a tight smile and then went out to the car. Remus sat down on a bit of sunny ground under the missing roof. 

“Sit,” Remus commanded and Sirius followed, sitting down criss-cross in front of him. Remus opened the kit and pulled out the tweezers and some cotton. He grabbed one of Sirius’ hands and started cleaning off the blood.

Sirius’ hands were long and calloused. Remus could see how under different circumstances, they could be the smooth hands of an aristocrat or a concert pianist. But like everything Sirius did, it was in opposition to whatever the world gave him.

Remus started pulling out tiny splinters of wood from the skin. It required him to do a lot of holding Sirius’ hand very close to his face or up to the sun. Sirius’ skin smelled like lavender or some other kind of fragrance Remus could not name. Some fancy kind of moisturizer, certainly.

Sirius would occasionally wince as the splinters were pulled but mostly, they stayed silent as Remus performed the mini surgeries. It gave them both a chance to cool off. Eventually, after many long minutes had past, Remus had gotten the last of them out and started wiping his hand down with alcohol wipes. 

“Thank you,” Sirius said quietly. He sounded exhausted. "You're quite good at that."

“I used to get injured a lot as a kid,” Remus said. “My mom wanted me to be sure I could always take care of myself.” Remus finished putting away all the medical materials back into the first aid kit. He could tell Sirius was looking at his scars, but he didn't ask the question so Remus didn't answer. He's not even sure he could've told the truth. Instead, Remus pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and offered it to Sirius, “Wanna smoke?”

“God yes,” he said, taking a drag and then handing it back to Remus. They sat there for a while, watching their smoke hit the sunlight and spiral upwards.

“So what happened?” Remus finally asked.

Sirius blew out a puff of smoke. “A lot of things. Nothing.”

“Real descriptive, Black,” Remus replied. 

“Sometimes it all just gets too much, you know. Old memories and all that.” He took another drag from the cigarette. Remus nodded. He didn't need to say anything more; Remus understood.

Sirius’ phone rang again but this time Sirius just groaned. “Who’s calling you?” Remus asked.

“Mary,” Sirius said as he pulled out his phone. He handed the cigarette to Remus who took a final drag and then put it out on the ground.

“Lily’s friend from the show?” Remus asked as if he could've forgotten their vagrant show of public affection.

“That’s the one,” Sirius replied. “We sort of have a thing now.”

“Why is she calling?” Remus asked.

“Who the fuck knows?” Sirius said and then answered it, “Hey, baby.”

“Where the fuck are you, Black?” Remus heard through the phone. “You said to meet you at your place 20 fucking minutes ago.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry, baby. Band rehearsal is running late. I didn’t have my phone on me.” Both lies. 

“Whatever, Black. I’m going to go over Alice’s and shit-talk you now. You better make this up to me.”

“Yeah, I will. I will. I promise.” Sirius hung up the phone and looked back at Remus. “Ugh," he groaned, "You know, how girlfriends are,” Sirius said.

“I really don’t,” Remus said which caused Sirius to burst out laughing.

“No, I guess you wouldn’t,” Sirius said with a smile. He held Remus’ gaze a little too long.

“Is that laughter I hear?” James said as he stood by the doorway. “Is it safe to enter?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I’m all good now thanks to Remus’ magical nursing skills.” Remus shot him an amused look as he stood up. 

“Well, we all thank you, Remus,” James said, “Because we should probably actually do some real practicing at some point.” 

-

They had another gig scheduled for the next weekend and Remus was excited. James had wanted to try out some new material, including one of Remus’ songs that he and James would sing together. 

Oliver was also coming tonight. Which Remus had never been more glad of, especially when he walked backstage after setting up to find Sirius and Mary aggressively making out on an old couch. 

He didn’t have any problem with Sirius and Mary. He really didn’t. He just didn’t know why they had to find every opportunity to be physically attached to each other in some way. 

It wasn’t that Remus was jealous, but he couldn’t help but feel like Sirius and him had  _ something. _ It wasn't an attraction, per se. Sure, Sirius was undeniably attractive and flirted with everyone under the sun, including Remus, but that’s not what gave Remus pause. He just couldn’t help but think of all those times when they were smoking togethter or sharing a look during a song, that there was something more between them. 

And whatever that thing was, it disappeared the moment Mary walked into the room.

Remus decided that as long as they were in the room, he would be somewhere else, so he went out to the bar where he found James nursing a beer.

“You saw Sirius and Mary then?” James asked as Remus sat next to him.

“How’d you know?” 

“You have that look about you.”

“Which one?” Remus asked. He gestured to the bartender and ordered himself a drink.

“Like you’ve just witnessed a train wreck.” James took a long sip of beer. He clearly needed to rant. “She’s always over at our flat and I love Sirius to death and I have no issue with his constant girls, but Mary just never leaves. Even when she’s not there, it’s all he talks about. ‘Mary did this. Mary did that.’ I’ve never seen him like that with anyone.”

“Damn,” Remus said. “Do you think she’s like The One or whatever?”

“Fuck no,” James said vehemently. “They’re always at each other's throats. It’s like they skipped straight past the honeymoon phase and into the divorce.”

“What do they even fight about? They just met.”

“Well, that’s the thing. They fight about nothing. It’ll be something as dumb as the way someone is sitting or how they pronounced a word. They’re either fighting or fucking and it’s becoming hard to live with.” James took another long sip, finished his beer, and ordered another.

“Have you talked to Sirius about this?”

“How could I? She’s always around. The only time she isn’t is band rehearsal and that’s only because of the strict no girlfriend policy we implemented after Peter’s girlfriend.”

“I didn’t know Peter had a girlfriend,” Remus said. Peter did rarely speak with him, but even with James he never said much. Remus felt bad about it, but even worse, he had no idea where Peter even was right now.

“Yeah, her name is Desdemona,” James said. “They’ve been dating for like 2 or 3 years or something like that.”

“Why haven’t I heard about her?”

“Well, you know how Pete is. He’s not one to talk about himself much,” James said this as if that was just how he was but Remus got the distinct impression it was because no one had ever asked him. “There was also this one time when Sirius got real pissed with Peter over Desdemona. This was in this year-long break Sirius had with girls. I never really got what it was about but one day Sirius just went off. He was shouting at Peter about how no one cared about his girlfriend, called her all these awful names.  It was the closest thing the band ever came to breaking up. Anyway, I spent the next week comforting Peter and playing mother hen with an erratic Sirius. You know how he can be with his moods.”

“Yeah, is he okay? The other day at practice…”

James just waved him off, “Yeah, that’s just Sirius. He’s normally alright but sometimes something just triggers him. Used to be way worse when we were back in school. I think it might be genetic or something because his mom was the same way.”

“It’s probably how he was raised,” Remus said, “We emulate a lot of what our parents do, especially subconsciously.” Remus had read quite a few psychology books in his free time. 

“I hope not,” James said, “for his sake and all of ours.” 

-

The show was going well. They were getting really, really good at some songs, to the point where they could finally start playing around with them. James was dancing around more on stage, often pulling Remus in with him. Other times, Sirius had started doing tricks with his drumsticks when he knew he could get away with it. 

James had also started having more fun in between numbers as they tuned their instruments or prepared for the next song. It was more than just an introduction and some music now. They were giving a performance.

Halfway through the show, James got on the mic, “I think it is about time I introduced the lovely men up here with me. To my right, your left, we have the studious Peter Pettigrew on the keys.” 

James gestured to him and Peter played an impressive little piano solo. The crowd applauded and wooed for him 

“Behind me, we have the irrestible Sirius Black.” There was a scream from the audience that was distinctly Mary’s. 

“And to my left, your right, we have the multi-talented Remus Lupin.” Remus gave the best bass solo he could as the audience cheered. 

He heard one person yell, “Get it, baby!” which had to be Oliver. Remus was laughing hard and trying his best to keep playing.

“Now, this next song was actually written by Mr. Lupin here and he’ll be singing part of it with me. Remus, care to tell the audience what this song is called?”

“I call it The Bidding.” There were cheers from the audience and the four of them started a low humming together. It had actually been Sirius’ idea to include all of them for backup vocals and they had been sounding amazing. 

The song itself was fun; the lyrics were all about pretending to be these cocky exaggerated versions of themselves. James and Remus would alternate lines and Remus truly began to understand the idea of a stage persona. When he played with the Marauders, he felt like he could be someone else.

_ I've been here like a thousand times _

_ Dated every woman in the atmosphere _

_ I've been to every continent _

_ Broken all the hearts in every hemisphere _

James sang it with a swagger Remus knew he didn’t have. That man was a ball of nerves around the only girl that mattered. Honestly, when Remus had written it, he was thinking of Sirius. 

_ I graduated at the top _

_ I like to take advantage of the bourgeoisie _

_ So if you have a fantasy of being a queen _

_ Maybe you should blow a couple bucks on me _

Remus sang his part, being sure to send a wink in Oliver’s direction as he did. Remus never thought he could be some kind of rockstar, but for just one moment, he pretended he was.

-

Backstage after the show was chaotic. Of course, Mary was there, sucking face with Sirius with no regard for the other people in the room. Lily had come to the show on the pretense of seeing Remus but she had soon sought out James. Remus would have to talk to her about that later.

Peter was on his laptop frantically typing something. “What are you doing?” Remus asked him.

“Oh, I’m just sending out this work email and then I have to check in with the gig we’re doing next week and check out their set up.”

Remus checked the time on his phone, 11:45 pm and here Peter was answering work emails. “Yeah, I’ve found trying to balance a job and the band can be pretty hard,” Remus said.

“Yeah and you don’t even have a real job,” Peter said without thinking. Remus would be offended but it was so clear to him that Peter truly meant nothing by it.

“What is your job anyway?” Remus asked.

“I work for the Department for Work and Pensions. I manage claims for Job Seeker’s Allowance. My boss said I’m management material so I’m really trying to work on getting that promotion.” 

Remus had always been on the other side of Job Seeker’s Allowance. He used to go with his mom all the time when he was a kid and read in the bland waiting area while his mom interviewed. He remembered his mom's nerves and the constant banality of the waiting. He wondered if Peter ever met women like his mom. He wondered what he said to them.

“That’s great, Peter. Congrats,” Remus said. Peter was clearly very proud of his work and Remus thought he should be.  Sirius and James had a way of dismissing Peter’s job as not being truly committed to the dream or whatever, but Remus thought Peter was the only one of them with one foot in reality. Not to mention how hard Peter worked to organize the gigs.

Just then, the door to the backstage swung open, and in walked Oliver.  He was wearing an outfit suited for a concert far bigger than this one, complete with chains, a pastel crop top, and a full face of brightly multicolored makeup. Remus thought he was the only one in the room, baring Sirius, who had an ounce of real style. 

“Remus, darling, that was fantastic!” Oliver exclaimed. Remus smiled like a madman; Oliver sure knew how to make an entrance. He ran over and hugged him. All eyes in the room fell on the two of them. It was such an event that even Mary and Sirius detached from each other. But Remus paid them no mind.

“Thanks, Oli,” Remus said. “It means a lot that you came.” 

Oliver rolled his eyes, “Of course, I came. I couldn’t miss an opportunity to see the great Remus Lupin sing live in the flesh, and with a voice like that, I’m surprised I haven’t been serenaded already.”

Remus laughed, “Anytime. All you have to do is ask.”

“Um, Remus,” James said with an unsure smile, “care to introduce us?”

“Right,” Remus replied and looked around the room. “Everyone, this is my friend Oliver.”

Oliver gave a small wave which Lily and James returned. Peter was staring at them with confusion plain on his face.

“A friend?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, I do hang out with people outside of you guys, you know,” Remus said. Oliver and him weren’t together - they agreed a long time ago they were better as friends. Friends who occasionally hook up with eachother, but friends nonetheless.

Sirius was staring hard at Remus as if he had done something to personally offend him. Remus would act surprised, but Remus knew exactly what was happening. He had seen the “straight” boy game far too many times. They’re allowed to do whatever they want but you have to stay under their thumb or else they freak out. Well, Remus wasn’t going to play.

“I think I know some of your names,” Oliver said to the room. “You’re definitely James. Can’t forget the name of the lead singer who sounds like that, or looks like that for that matter.” James just laughed goodnaturedly to Oliver’s open flirting. “I don’t think I know you,” Oliver said to Lily.

“That’s Lily Evans,” Remus said. “We grew up together.” Oliver looked over at him with a smile of half recognition.

“Wait, Lily from Cokeworth? The really smart one?”

“That’s the one.”

Lily laughed, “I’m honored for that to be my title.”

“You must be important if you know Lily’s name,” James said. He was clearly trying to find out more about their relationship but in a casual way.

“Remus and I have just known each other since forever,” Oliver said and put his arm around Remus’ waist. He looked up at Remus with a mischievous smile. He was clearly having as much fun fucking with Remus’ friends as he was. Remus hadn’t even asked him to. He just knew.

“This is Mary, Sirius’ girlfriend,” Remus said. Mary gave them a wide smile and a wave. Sirius was wearing a barely hidden scowl. “You remember Sirius, don’t you?” Remus said.

“Oh, yes. Sirius from the bar the other night.”

All eyes fell quickly on Sirius who shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “When were you at this bar?” James asked. It was clear he couldn't think of a single reason why a man like Oliver and a man like Sirius would be in the same place.

“I just went to Remus’ bar to talk to him,” Sirius said. He was getting defensive which only made it more suspicious, but James just shrugged it off. Mary however was looking directly at him with a calculating expression.

“Right,” Remus said, moving things along because he hated dealing with Sirius when he got like this. “Then we have Peter.”

Peter nodded their direction, clearly bracing himself for a flirt of some kind, but Oliver just smiled politely and went back to looking at Remus. 

“So, are you doing anything after this?” Oliver asked him. James and Lily had resumed their conversation, but Remus could feel Sirius’ eyes on them. 

“Maybe,” Remus replied, “Do you have something in mind?”

Oliver leaned in very close to Remus’ ear so no one else could hear, “How jealous do you think we could make little drummer boy?” Remus felt his face breaking out into a smile. “We can go back to my place, eat ice cream, watch shitty romcoms and shout at the TV.”

“You know me so well,” Remus said just loud enough for Mary and Sirius to hear. He knew it was kind of a dick move, which is what made it even more fun. He leaned in close to Oliver and said, “I love messing with straight boys.”

Oliver let out a loud laugh and put a hand on Remus’ chest. “If he’s straight, then I’m the queen,” Oliver said back to him softly.

Sirius stood up abruptly. “I’m going to go smoke,” he said to no one in particular and pushed his way out of the room.

“The fuck?” Mary said to where Sirius had been standing and then quickly followed him out into the street. 

Oliver looked at Remus, the both of them barely containing their laughter as they sat down against the wall. James was looking at the door, clearly debating whether or not to go after them.

“Just leave it,” Remus heard Lily say to him. James turned back to their conversation.

“So let me guess,” Oliver said to him, “He flirts with you all the time yet has this girlfriend who he also seems to be obsessed with.”

“You got it,” Remus sighed.

“So is he straight and oblivious, or bi and closeted?”

“Isn’t that the question of the hour?” 

Oliver put his hand on Remus’ knee, “It’s always the ones you can’t have.”

“You know me too well,” Remus said as he leaned his head against Oliver’s.

“I’ll tell you one thing though,” Oliver said to him. “No straight boy dresses like that.” Remus burst out laughing.

-

Eventually, they did have to leave the place. James went to go get their pay, Peter started packing up on stage, and Oliver had to catch a train home (with the promise that Remus would come over tonight to watch romcoms with him).

As Remus was putting away his things, Lily approached him, “Hey, I wanted to go find Mary.”

“I think she’s outside with Sirius, is she not?”

“Yeah, probably,” Lily said, “But I was wondering if you could come with me for moral support. They can be a little intense, you know?” Remus did know. If they caught them doing something scandolous, at least they could be traumatized together.

The two of them walked into the alley, but neither Mary nor Sirius could be found. There was, however, some familiar shouting happening down the street. Remus and Lily shared a look and then headed off in that direction. The shouting became clearer as they approached.

“I don’t see what the big deal is!” Sirius' voice rang out.

“You're always staring over at him!” This was Mary’s voice. Everything within Remus was telling him to turn back and not hear whatever Sirius says, or else stay right here and listen in forever.

“For the thousandth time, it’s not like that.”

“Then tell me what it is like, Sirius, because there’s clearly something you feel like you have to defend yourself about.”

Lily and Remus rounded the corner and found Sirius and Mary standing by a bench. There were neglected coffee cups lying next to Mary’s purse. They must have gone out on a coffee date that had taken a turn for the worst.

“Hey guys,” Lily said as she approached. The two of them instantly stopped shouting at each other to look at her. “Um, I was wondering if you wanted to leave, Mary?”

“I would love to,” Mary responded with more than a fair bit of malice. She pushed past Sirius, grabbed her purse, and headed off with Lily. As she left, Sirius was shouting her name after her.

Then, it was just the two of them, standing alone in an empty street, in the middle of the night. Remus didn’t know what to say so he just stood next to Sirius and lit a cigarette. Remus took a drag, offered it to Sirius who happily took a long inhale and handed it back to Remus as he blew out the smoke into the night air.

“God, women can be such a pain sometimes.”

“Careful there,” Remus said. “Don’t want to fall into sexism.”

Sirius let out a quick laugh. “It’s just Mary,” Sirius said. “I just don’t understand her.”

“What were you fighting about?” Remus asked as if they both didn’t already know. 

Sirius just shook his head, “We’re never fighting  _ about _ anything. We’re just always fighting.”

“Maybe you guys shouldn’t be together,” Remus said. “I mean isn’t there supposed to be a honeymoon period?”

“I mean I like her,” Sirius said. He was leaning against the wall but staring straight at Remus as if there wasn’t a sky of stars or a city of lights all around them that was far more interesting to look at. “She can be really funny and sweet and she really does listen.” Sirius let out a breath of smoke, “And the sex is really good.”

Remus took the cigarette and blew out another swirl of smoke. He really didn't want to be the shoulder Sirius came crying to about Mary, but he didn't know what else to say.

“I don’t think you should be with someone who you’re screaming at,” Remus said, “or who’s screaming at you for that matter.”

“Meh, I’m used to it. It’s how my lovely mother showed her love.” He gave Remus a demented smile. 

Remus didn’t have any words so he just handed him back the cigarette and watched the smoke swirl towards the stars.  He didn’t smoke like this with anyone else. All his friends had quit long ago. Remus had been trying to quit too but he always seemed to find some reason to start again. It seemed that recently that reason had become these moments with Sirius Orion Black.

“Come on,” Remus said finally. “James will be looking for us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do not smoke. it is so so bad for you. 
> 
> halfway through writing this, I translated a part of bohemian rhapsody into ancient greek for no good reason so please enjoy this: οὐκ ἐθέλω ἀποθνῄσκειν. ποτὲ ἐθέλω οὔποτε γεγεννήμενος (i don't want to die. sometimes i wish i had never been born at all).
> 
> it's so fun editing these chapters because I promise I do not remember writing them. i'm as surprised as you are when things happen.  
> -  
> songs in this chapter:  
> Circe by Glass Doors  
> The Bidding by Tally Hall


	4. seven in the fucking morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:  
> Snow by Ricky Montgomery  
> The Cut That Always Bleeds by Conan Gray

Remus woke up to his phone blaring out at an ungodly hour of the morning. He was in Oliver’s room which was completely dark except for the first rays of daylight hitting his curtains.

“Love, who the hell is calling you right now?” Oliver said from beside him in the bed. They hadn’t slept together, but Remus had gotten back late from the show and it just hadn’t been worth it to go back to his own apartment at 3 am.

Remus looked down at his phone, “It’s James,” he said and then picked it up and walked out of the bedroom.

“James, this better be fucking important to be calling me at the ass crack of dawn.”

“Have you checked Twitter yet today?” 

“No because 1. I don’t have a Twitter and 2. It’s seven in the fucking morning, asshole.”

“Well, get a Twitter because we’re kind of blowing up right now.”

“We?” Remus wasn’t aware the band was even putting things on Twitter.

“Yes, we. Someone took a video of our set last night, put up a few songs on Twitter, but it blew up in the band Twitter community and now it’s going everywhere.”

“I still don’t see why you woke me up for this.”

“Remus, it was 50 thousand retweets. It has a quarter of a million views and it's just been one night. We need to ride this wave. Release a single or something while people are still talking about us.”

Remus sighed. It was still way too early for this, “Have you called Marlene about this?”

“I’m calling her after I call you. But you need to get over to the apartment as soon as you can. We’re having an emergency band meeting.”

Remus was beginning to think that James stubbing his toe could constitute an emergency band meeting. “Fine, but I won’t be happy about it.”

Remus hung up and padded back into Oliver’s room. “Hey,” he whispered. “I have to go. Band stuff. Thanks for letting me stay over.”

“Hang on,” Oliver said and slowly sat up in bed. “I’ll get you some breakfast before you go.”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” Remus said but Oliver was already getting out of bed.

“Hush. Someone’s gotta take care of you.” Oliver took Remus’ face in his hands and kissed his forehead. “I got some cinnamon rolls you can take on your way.”

The two of them stood comfortably in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil as Oliver started putting pastries into a bag. “I’m putting some in for your bandmates.”

“They really don’t deserve it, Oli. You know what I say - ”

“All musicians are assholes, yeah, yeah. But I need to get these out of my house. Trust me, you’re doing me a favor.” Remus smiled. Oliver was way too nice to him.

Once his tea was brewed, he went on his way, apologizing yet again for waking up Oliver, and caught a bus to James and Sirius’ flat.

When he arrived, James looked completely refreshed at the early hour and had the energy of someone who could easily go on a run. Sirius, on the other hand, looked as exhausted as Remus felt. Peter, from the looks of it, was actually asleep in the armchair.

“Yes, Remus. Finally,” James said. 

Remus sat down on the couch and immediately wanted to go back to bed. Instead, he took out the cinnamon rolls. “Oliver made us some breakfast.”

“Oh, cheers,” James said. “I’ve already eaten though.”

“Of course, you have,” Sirius mumbled and took a roll. 

Peter seemed to have awoken at the mention of food. “Oh, I like Oliver. You’ve got to keep this guy around.”

“He’s not leaving anytime soon,” Remus said and Sirius looked at him with an impossible expression. Remus just raised an eyebrow and took a bite of his pastry.

“Okay Marauders,” James said, commanding everyone’s attention. “I called Marlene earlier. Here’s the game plan: we’re going to go into the studio today and record a single and go through what Marlene described as an utter shit ton of meetings.”

“I thought the studio wasn’t available for another two weeks?” Sirius asked.

“I guess some things got moved around. Marlene says we need to get the single out quick because this could be our big break. So, cancel any plans you have for the next two days. We have to be at the studio by 9:30.”

“I’ll call Mary,” Sirius sighed and went into his room.

“Yeah. I better tell Desdemona. We were supposed to get dinner tonight,” Peter said as if he was already resigned to canceling plans for the band, and then left into the hall.

“Do you want to call Oliver?” James asked Remus.

“Why would I call Oliver?” Remus replied.

“Are you two not going out?” 

“Nah, we’re just friends.”

“Friends who spent the night together?” Sirius asked as he emerged from the doorway.

“You’ve never had a sleepover, Black?” Remus fired back. “Hey, James. Will we have time to stop by my apartment so I can change?”

“What’s wrong with what you’re wearing now?” Sirius asked.

“I was wearing this last night,” Remus said. “Not to mention, it’s not very professional.” He was wearing an old pair of ripped jeans (not that they were bought that way) and a t-shirt for another band over the top of a long-sleeved black shirt. It was fine for a concert, not great for a business meeting.

James checked the time. “I don’t think so. Sorry. You’re free to borrow something from my closet though.” Remus hated needing things from people but he really couldn't look like this today.

“Alright. Cheers, mate,” Remus said and went to look in James’ room. It was starkly clean, with only a few pieces of clutter on the counter. Everything else looked like it had come out of a magazine. He wondered what James would think of his studio apartment that barely fit a mattress and was constantly covered in clothes or books or whatever else he had lying around.

“I’ll help,” Sirius said as he walked into the room. “One of us needs to have good fashion sense.”

"I have a fine fashion sense," Remus replied.

"Yeah, if you're talking about oversized sweaters." Sirius had taken to searching through James' closet. Occasionally, he would pull something out, hold it up to Remus, and then decide whether to put it back or throw it on the bed.

"I like my sweaters," Remus mumbled and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Don't worry," Sirius said as he looked back at Remus, "Your sweaters are cute." Before Remus could even respond, Sirius had thrown a set of clothes at him. “Okay, go put these on,” Sirius said and pushed him off in the direction of James’ bathroom, (of course everyone here had a private bathroom). 

The clothes were sensible - black jeans and a red button-up, but it just made Remus feel like a waiter.

“I like the pants. Not sure about the shirt,” Remus said as he walked back into the room. Sirius was looking him up and down critically.

“You’re right. The shirt is way too formal for you.” Sirius said and threw him a different one, a t-shirt.

Remus looked down at it, “Isn’t it a little cold for short sleeves?”

“You’ll be fine. We’ll be inside and jumping around playing music anyway.”

Remus stared down at the shirt and then tossed it back on the bed, “Nah, it’s fine. This shirt looks good.”

Sirius tutted, “Don’t be ridiculous.” Sirius turned back to the closet, “Would a sweater be better?” Before he could even respond, he got out a black one from James’ closet and threw it Remus’ way. “Put that on. I’m going to go check if I have anything better.”

Sirius walked out of the room so Remus started unbuttoning the shirt. He really did hate the formality of a button-up. He only wore them when his work required it. Once he finally got the buttons undone, he reached for the sweater but then he heard the door open.

“I knew I would have something better,” Sirius said as he walked in. “Put this on instead - Woah.” Sirius looked at Remus’ bare chest, which was covered in large white scars slashing over his skin. Remus would’ve gone to hide them but it was too late, Sirius had already seen. “Do you have those everywhere?” he asked quietly.

“Pretty much,” Remus said. The polite thing to do was for Remus to hide them or else for Sirius to turn away, but neither of them did. Instead,  Sirius reached out a hand and traced one that crossed long down Remus’ chest. His touch was light and warm as his fingers ran over the scars. Remus was doing everything he could to keep his breath as even as possible.

“What happened, Remus?” Sirius asked in a whisper. His eyes met Remus’ but he didn’t remove his hand from where it lay on Remus' bare chest.

“Werewolf attack,” Remus said as he stepped out of Sirius’ touch.  _ He has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. _ Remus repeated it to himself like a mantra.

“Don't be ridiculous,” Sirius said. Remus just shook his head and pulled Sirius’ sweater over his head. He turned to the mirror so he wouldn’t have to look at the other boy. The cream-colored sweater was a little tighter than Remus normally would wear, but it otherwise looked fine.

“It was painful, Sirius,” Remus replied. He looked at the other boy through the mirror. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Sirius said and put his hand on Remus’ arm. Remus looked at the two of them in the mirror. If he didn’t know them, they could be a couple. Which is exactly what Remus couldn’t let himself think.

"I like the sweater," Remus said.

"Yeah, it looks good on you."

They stood there for a moment, both saying something, both so desperately wanting to say something. 

Finally, Sirius broke the silence, "So does that make you a werewolf then? Track the moon cycles and all that?"

Remus smiled, "Yeah, I guess it does."

"Well, then we better watch out for the next full moon." Sirius' face broke into a wide grin. "That's what we'll call you! Moony!"

Remus shook his head but he couldn't deny Sirius this great joy, "Moony, it is."

-

When they arrived at the studio, Marlene immediately pulled them into a meeting. “Boys, we don’t have a lot of time. We need to get on this now. While you four are recording, our lawyers will be getting a record deal together.”

Peter’s eyes looked like they were going to burst out of his head, “A real record deal.”

“Yes. So if there’s anything particular you need in your contracts, let us know now. If you have lawyers, I would call them.”

Sirius looked at James. James nodded and then said, “I’ll text my mom.”

“So no special requests?” Marlene asked again. She was clearly trying to move this along.

“Is it separate contracts or an all-or-nothing thing?” Peter asked. Four sets of eyes fell on him. “Just, you know, Remus is new and we don’t want to trap him here.”

Sirius and James nodded as if this made perfect sense to them, as if they hadn’t already asked if Remus was serious about this. Had they all discussed this before, the possibility of Remus leaving? Having an easy out should comfort him. Remus had been a part of half a dozen bands that had quickly turned into hellish nightmares. The Marauders could easily be one of these bands.

But it didn’t feel comforting, not to Remus at least. For him, the band was the closest thing he had to a future. When he played with them, it felt like he could actually do this for the rest of his life. He couldn't imagine leaving.

“They’re separate contracts. Both you or the company could decide whether or not to renew some or all of you,” Marlene said. “If that is all, then you all should get your asses in the studio. After studio time, we will have contract negotiations. Then tomorrow, we will do more studio work and then go through about a million more meetings. Make sense?” Marlene didn’t wait for them to answer. She walked off in the direction of the elevator and expected them to follow.

Walking into the studio was a strange experience. Since it was the wall and ceiling were covered with acoustic paneling, the sound was completely absorbed. More than that, all the little noises in someone’s day, air conditioning, traffic, the hum of electricity, all gone. You could hear every footstep and every breath.

They weren’t alone in the studio. Sitting in front of a glass window and at least half a dozen computers were Alice and Frank Longbottom, one of the biggest names in music production. They had more awards than Remus could count. They were living legends and yet here they were.

“Boys, I’m sure you’ve heard of the Longbottoms,” Marlene said. “Alice and Frank, here is James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin, otherwise known as the Marauders.”

“So you guys are the next big thing?” Alice said.

“We’re trying to be,” James responded. He seemed to be keeping his cool relatively well. Sirius, on the other hand, was openly staring. 

“Remus Lupin, why does that name sound familiar?” Frank asked Alice.

“Hmmm, yes. We’ve definitely heard of you,” Alice said. All the boys turned to look at Remus, who himself, was trying his best not to freak out. The Longbottoms knew him!

“Have you toured before?” Frank asked.

“No," Remus responded. "I mean, I do gigs a lot, but probably nothing you’ve been to.”

Frank hummed in response. “Maybe you’ve seen him at his work. He bartends downtown!” Peter said.

“No, that’s not it either,” Frank said. “Whatever. It will come to me. You all better get warmed up.”

The song they were recording was one Remus had written a few years ago after a breakup. It was the one getting the most hype online which Remus was excited about. James was still singing it, but Remus was more than happy to just provide the bass and backing vocals. He was never much of a frontman.

The four of them spent a good part of the morning explaining their vision of the song to the Longbottoms. Then it was a lot of recording and isolating and then re-recording and listening to the song over and over again. Remus had probably played the same bass line twenty different times and sang the same sections of the song at least thirty. By mid-morning, it was all starting to fry his brain.

There was one part in particular they just couldn’t get, especially one line.

_ Take my father's conscience from me _ .

Remus’ relationship with his dad, even at its best, was strained and distant, but James just didn’t have that. If the copious family photos are anything to go by, he had a great dad. There just weren’t the emotions the song needed.

After recording the line for what felt like the hundredth time, Alice’s professional voice came over the speaker. “Do you want to try singing the bridge, Remus?”

Remus looked over at James, “I don’t want to take James’ part.”

“I don’t care, Remus,” James said.

“Not for the recording itself,” Alice clarified, “But just to show James the headspace you're in.”

“Um, okay,” Remus said and set down his bass. He went to stand where James had been standing and put on the headphones. 

In his ear, he heard the mix that James had been singing to all day. It was still weird hearing the studio mix of all the instruments instead of just his own on stage. Alice’s hands appeared on the other side of the glass, with a count down. Remus started singing.

_ Take my mind _

_ Take my body, oh-oh _

Remus thought of his father. The way John Lupin was always off traveling somewhere. He thought of all the dinners he missed and report cards he never saw. He thought of the way his mom would come home exhausted from her two jobs and stare at the phone as if it would one day start ringing. Remus thought of how he didn’t even try to be his father until his mom became sick. 

_ Take my father's conscience from me _

He practically screamed it, his voice wrought with emotion. As he finished, he took off one ear of the headphones just in time to hear James let out a soft, “Wow.”

“Can we just keep that as the bridge?” James asked to the booth. Alice and Frank were both smiling. 

“Sounds good to us. Remus?”

“Yeah, if you guys want to,” Remus said quietly. He hadn’t thought about that stuff in a long time. He was just glad they didn’t ask him to do it again. 

He put his bass back over his shoulder and got ready to do some more recording. _This song better turn out well_ , Remus thought to himself.

-

“Christopher Barley!” Alice shouted halfway through a take. The rest of the band looked at each other confused, except for Remus. He was hoping this conversation was not going where he thought it was.

“Yes! That’s it! He definitely mentioned you,” Frank said. “How do you know Christopher?”

Remus wanted to die. Of all the people to mention Christopher, it had to be these extremely successful producers. “How do you know Christopher?” he asked instead of answering. 

“We produced his album,” Frank said. Remus didn’t know that because Remus had long since stopped following Chris' life. He had only ever listened to the album once and that was more than enough times.

“Oh, lovely,” Remus muttered. “Yeah, Chris and I dated for a while a few years ago.” He was very aware that everyone’s eyes, but especially Sirius’, were trained on him. He decided to tune his bass instead of looking at anyone.

“Holy shit, you’re a complete heartbreaker,” Alice said in amazement. “Half of his album is about you.”

“Is it?” Remus truly hoped not.

“You haven’t listened?” Alice asked. Remus just shrugged. He hadn’t a lot of attention.

“How could you not tell us you dated someone famous?” James asked.

“Chris is not famous. He’s literally just Chris.”

“Maybe to you!” James exclaimed. “To the rest of the world, he’s Christopher Barley.” He said it like his name was a royal title.

“He’s literally every indie kid’s favorite breakup artist,” Sirius said. _Of course, Sirius knew Chris' music,_ Remus thought.

“Does the record label know you two dated?” Alice asked.

“No,” Remus said. No one in the whole of London knew they had dated until this very moment. “I don’t really feel like it’s their business.”

“This is entirely the kind of thing that is their business. If people know that you two were writing songs about each other, hell, you’d both shoot up on the charts, it’s a win-win.”

Remus wanted to scream. He really did not want to exploit an old relationship for fame. He didn’t want people even thinking about his personal life like that and especially not him and Chris.

“Isn’t Snow about him?” Sirius said. At least he had the decency not to have the same twisted excitement as the rest of them.

Remus sighed, “Yeah, I guess. I mean I wrote it after the breakup.”

“I’m gonna go call Marlene,” Alice said without asking Remus if it was okay with him. “Continue working on the mix, Frank. The rest of you take a little break.”

Both James and Peter took this opportunity to disappear somewhere. James, presumably to check in with his mom about the lawyer thing. Remus didn’t have enough energy right now to care where Peter wandered off to.

“Fuck,” Remus said to himself as he sat down on the ground. He wanted a cigarette. He wanted to call Christopher and give him a heads up. He wanted to leave this studio and never speak to anyone ever again. But mostly he wanted a cigarette.

"Alright there, Moony?" Sirius asked as he sat down next to Remus. The nickname still felt a bit clunky on his tongue. Remus just nodded in response because he couldn't make himself lie. “Was it a bad breakup?” Sirius asked.

He didn’t know why Sirius would even want to know. Remus never knew anything when it came to Sirius. 

“I mean, it was a breakup. They’re rarely fun.” Remus remembered those awful last few weeks. They were either not talking or they were constantly yelling at each other. Remus had said a lot of things he regretted. And then once it was finally over, Remus moved to London and Chris went wherever Chris went and they never talked again. Remus never got a chance to apologize.

“I just tend to not return their texts," Sirius said. "They get the message eventually.”

Remus chuckled to himself. Of course, that was Sirius’ move. “If it can end that easily, did it ever actually matter?” 

Sirius held his gaze for a long moment. “Maybe not.”

“We dated for like a year and a half,” Remus said, breaking away from Sirius’ eye contact. “You can’t really end that shit by ignoring it.”

“So have you really not listened to his album?”

“I listened to it once. He’s good.”

“He’s bloody fantastic. Sounds like you broke his heart.”

“We broke each other’s hearts,” Remus sighed. He really needed a cigarette, but that was probably more of a reason he should not get one.

“Why did it end?” Sirius asked quietly.

“I don’t know. It was his first relationship with a boy, my first real relationship. There was a lot of shit we both needed to work through." Remus hadn't talked about this with anyone except Oliver. He was struggling to put it into words. "I mean when you date someone for that long, it’s not one thing. It’s a bunch of little things that all amount to slowly realizing that it’s not going to keep working forever.” He had no idea why he was telling Sirius all this. “We were just really different,” Remus said finally.

“We’re really different,” Sirius said to him. His eyes were locked on Remus. If he was anyone else, Remus would lean over and kiss him or else shout at him to stop pulling this shit, anything to make Sirius come to his senses. But he couldn't. Because it was Sirius. Because if it went south, they still had to be in a band together. (And if it went well? Remus didn't let himself think like that). 

“Good thing we aren’t dating then, Black,” Remus said in the best light-hearted tone he could manage. 

“No, of course, I just meant…” Sirius trailed off as he struggled to say the right thing. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Remus gave him a small smile, “Yeah, of course, we are.” Sirius’ face lit up in a wide grin. 

Alice walked back into the room with a frazzled Marlene trailing behind her. “What is this I hear about you having a famous ex?”

Remus groaned loudly which caused Sirius to burst out laughing. It was going to be a long day.

-

When they finally finished in the studio, they were given an hour to get lunch, which Remus had never been more grateful for. He needed to get some food in his body and more than that, he needed to get out of that windowless fucking studio. It was really cool for the first hour, but the novelty wore off as soon as he played the same riff for the fifteenth time.

The four of them met James’ mom in the lobby - an older woman with greying hair but still looked great in a business suit. Since she was in the building doing lawyer stuff for the band, she was kind enough to take them all out to lunch.

James walked fast to greet her with a wild smile on his face. They embraced for a long while before she went on and hugged Sirius for just as long. They looked just as much mother-son as her and James did.

She also gave a hug, though much briefer, to Peter. Family friends and all that.

“And you are?” she asked politely to Remus.

“This is Remus Lupin,” James said. “Our new bassist and songwriter.”

“A damn good one at that,” Sirius added.

Remus smiled shyly and shook Euphemia’s hand. Remus had always been a bit uncomfortable around parents, especially mothers since his own had passed. It hurt to see her being so loving to the three other boys and know that his own mom was gone and would never be able to hug him the way Euphemia hugged her own son. Still, he pushed it down and tried to be polite.

Euphemia smiled at Remus, the same smile she gave the rest of the boys, “Off to lunch then, my treat?”

They ended up getting lunch at this restaurant that was far too fancy for Remus, and despite Euphemia saying that she would get the bill, Remus was still uncomfortable that an appetizer cost as much as three days meals for him.

Euphemia was very kind and clearly very proud of her son. She kept asking all kinds of questions about the band and the music and it eventually turned into a walk down memory lane.

“I remember when every day, all holiday,” Euphemia started. “You boys would hole yourselves up in the garage for hours on end and just hammer away. Those deafening drums.”

“You can’t be mad, Mrs. Potter. You bought me those,” Sirius said. Remus wondered when that was. How old was he when the Potters started taking care of him?

Euphemia just laughed good-naturedly, “And I would do it again. Even if it would cost me my sanity.”

“Remember when Sirius tried to teach Peter something on piano?” James said and the entire table erupted in laughter. Except for Remus. He thought about the moment that morning where Peter asked about the separate contracts. He was only here as a favor, Remus had to remind himself. They would find someone better soon, someone they could share their laughs with.

As they waited for their food, it devolved into more of this kind of speech. It would only take the vaguest prompts or strangest phrases to cause them all to laugh and smile like the old friends they were. 

Remus tried to smile along, but there was only so much he could handle. “I’m gonna go out for a smoke break,” he said quickly, ignoring the look that passed on Euphemia’s face.  Remus pushed his way out of the restaurant that was filled with suits and gold jewelry and onto the street. He felt much more at home amongst the smell of the gutter and the impolite chatter of passersby than he ever did in there. 

He lit a cigarette and relief flooded his system. Fuck, he really needed to quit. His mom always said how much she hated the smell. 

“You’ve got Mrs. Potter all concerned,” Sirius’ voice said from beside him because of course, he followed him out here.

“Yeah, sorry.” He blew out some smoke, “Just…mothers.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Sirius said. Remus didn’t believe for a second that he did but he didn’t point this out. He just stayed silent. “The first time I hung out at the Potter’s house,” Sirius continued, “I wanted to punch a wall because what did James ever do to get this wonderful family and then I wanted to cry because I knew I would never have that. My mum would never smile at me like that, would never hug me like that.” He paused. "She wasn't a very loving person."

Remus looked over at Sirius. He was looking out at the traffic. It was much easier to say the hard stuff if you pretended like you were talking to no one at all.

“And then, I ran away from home,” Sirius said with a sigh. “I was living on the streets for a while, just waiting for the holidays to be over so I could go back to school, not even knowing if I would be allowed back, but the school never said anything about it so I guess my parents kept paying. Anyway, I eventually let slip to James that I didn’t have a home to go to and so the next weekend,” Sirius paused. His voice had gone a bit shaky and he let out a deep breath. “I went home with James and his parents had cleared out the guest room for me. Put up pictures of James and me everywhere. There was even some stuff that I had left at my home. No clue how they got them.” Sirius smiled a bit to himself.

“They sound like good people,” Remus said.

“The best,” Sirius responded. “So the point of this long-ass story is that I get that the Potter’s love can be a lot, especially if you haven’t had a ton of experience with it. But it’s given freely. She’ll love you too, Remus.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Remus wanted to say something else, something better, something that would express the real gratitude and respect he had for Sirius, something like  _ thank you for trusting me. _ B ut he didn’t know how to have a conversation like that. Not with Sirius. So instead, he took the easy way out and chose a joke instead, “What’s not to love?”

Sirius laughed lightly and let the mood change. “Come on, our food is probably here.”

-

The rest of the afternoon devolved into a series of long meetings that Remus was required to be present for but he understood very little of. Most of it was contract negotiations and judging by the expressions on the rest of his bandmates, they didn’t know what was happening either. 

That didn’t mean it wasn’t interesting. Euphemia was using what Remus could best describe as corporate passive-aggressiveness. Technically, she was saying all the right things, yet her frustration was clear as she argued over dividends, film rights, and a million other hypotheticals. Remus was glad she was here though because if someone had handed him a contract, he probably would’ve just signed it.

Halfway through the meeting, they started pulling band members out one by one to meet with someone who Remus assumed would become their publicist. First, it was James who was back within twenty minutes. Then Sirius, who took at least twice as long. When he came back, he seemed equal parts solemn and pissed. Then they called in Remus.

He was brought into yet another office and sat in front of a woman with dark skin and a wide smile. “Hello, Remus,” she said as she pulled up a word document. “My name is Dorcas Meadows. I handle publicity for many of our brands here at Phoenix Records.”

“Nice to meet you,” Remus said, trying his best not to appear nervous. 

“I’m just going to ask you some questions. I need you to answer as truthfully as possible so that if you make it big, we’re not blindsided by anything later.”

Remus nodded and the questioning began. Most of it was easy. Where did he grow up? Had he ever committed any crimes? (They then had a long list of illegal activities which he answered no to almost all of them.) Then it moved into relationships.

“So you dated Christopher Barley,” she said instead of asking.

“Yeah, for like a year or so.”

Dorcas nodded, “And was it a messy breakup?”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean we don’t hate each other. Well, I don't know. We haven't spoken in years but...” Remus couldn't help but think about how different it was than how it was with Sirius. This was so much more clinical and uncomfortable. 

“I’ve been chatting with my colleagues on Christopher Barley’s team.” That’s another weird thing. Everyone referred to him with his full name. No one ever just called him Chris. “He’s accepted a meeting with you for tomorrow to discuss the single and any future releases going forward.”

“And Chris will be there?” Remus asked.

“Yes, will that be an issue?”

“No, no issue. Just want to prepare myself.” He didn't know what he was going to do when he saw Chris. His gut says apologize but you can't exactly do that at a business meeting.

“The strategy we are thinking of is that we don’t outwardly say that you dated or that either song is about each other. But we imply it. We have Christopher Barley post an old photo of you two where it looks like you're dating but not outwardly and he says how proud he is of you.”

It made Remus feel sick to exploit their relationship like that on the internet. It was dirty and cheap and completely insincere to imply they were still on good terms. But then again, Chris did write an entire album about him.

And he thought of all the press that someone like Christopher could bring in. It was their one chance to make it big. He didn’t want to say yes, but he couldn’t say no.

“Yeah. I mean, if he’s cool with it, then it is fine with me.”

Dorcas nodded and typed something out on her word document. “That brings me to our next section - social media. What accounts do you have?”

“I don’t have any.”

“You don’t have any,” Dorcas repeated, not believing him.

“Not a single one,” Remus said and then held up his phone. It was a cheap flip phone he had had for years.

“Why do you have a burner phone?” 

“Because I can’t exactly afford an expensive device when this will work just as well as this.”

Dorcas just nodded, “Well, that makes my job easier. No old tweets that will resurface later. Now let’s talk family. Who are your parents? What do they do?”

“My dad is an insurance salesman. My mum passed away a few years ago.”

“How’d she pass?” There was no emotion in her voice. Dorcas seemed nice enough but it was clear she was just checking through a list like a background check. 

“Cancer.” God, Remus hated this conversation. He didn't talk about his mother with anyone. 

Everyone else was probably getting the same questions. No wonder Sirius had looked so pissed off. He hated talking about his past almost as much as Remus did.

"Okay, and what's your sexuality?" Dorcas asked.

Remus would've paid good money to hear Sirius' answer.

-

The rest of the day dragged on with seemingly endless meetings. Eventually, however, they finally came to an agreement, contracts were signed, hands were shaken. Sirius even let out a tired woo. Remus mostly wanted to get back to his fucking bed because he had been up since seven in the fucking morning.

“Alright, boys,” Marlene said. “I do not want any funny business tonight. We are meeting with Christopher Barley tomorrow and everyone,” she looked at Sirius, “and I mean everyone, must be on their best behavior. So go home, drink some water, and the fuck to bed. I will see you at 11 am tomorrow.”

_ Say what you will about Marlene _ , Remus thought,  _ but she was efficient. _

As they left the building, they bid goodbye to James’ mother. She gave the three other boys tight hugs and made them promise they would call soon. Remus didn’t expect anything, but then she turned to him and opened her arms.

Remus turned into her embrace and she wrapped her arms around him, he quickly realized how long it had been since he had a motherly hug. Even throughout the chemo, his mom made a point to always hug him goodbye like it would be their last. And one day it was. 

When they broke apart, Remus tried to give her a smile that showed how grateful he was and yet hid how much it hurt.

“I’ll see the four of you very soon, I hope,” she said to them.

“Of course, Mum,” James said. “Sirius and I will come around soon.” And then they departed towards the car.

They all got into their regular spots and James took off in the direction of Peter’s flat. Sirius offered Remus a piece of gum, which he took silently. He didn’t feel like talking, not when his mother was on his mind. Everyone was too exhausted from the day to notice.

Once Peter left the car and they headed off in the direction of Remus’ flat, Sirius spoke up, “So, what is Christopher Barley like?”

Remus sighed. He hoped this was just a question because Chris was a celebrity now, but he knows that’s not all it is. “He’s fine. Nice, I guess. He was super into poetry and books and all that back in the day. I don’t know about him now. Fame changes people.”

“We won’t let it change us,” James spoke up.

“We’re not famous yet,” Remus replied. “Who knows what will happen to us.”

“So, do you think he’s a dick now?” Sirius asked.

Remus was done with this line of question. “All musicians are assholes.”

“I’m not,” Sirius said with a smile.

“You, especially, are an asshole,” Remus replied.

“I am not!” Sirius was pretending to be offended, or at least he thought he was pretending to be. Remus could see right through it.

“Say that to the string of broken-hearted girls you don’t remember the name of.” 

Sirius huffed and then went to staring out the window. Remus knew he had struck a nerve but it’s what he gets for being all up in Remus’ business.

When Remus finally arrived home, he collapsed onto his bed. The apartment was just as he had left it days ago - covered in clothes and books and dirty dishes in the sink - yet everything felt different. They had a chance of making it big. Remus had a chance of leaving this shitty apartment that had a perpetual draft and no heating.

Where would he be in a year? In a nice apartment? In a tour bus in some random town? Or would he just be where he is now? in a shitty apartment with a dead-end job and a million songs no one has ever heard.

-

Remus was able to sleep in a bit the next day, but he still woke up exhausted. More than that, he was nervous. He hadn't seen Chris in years and now the future of his music career rode on Chris not holding grudges. If Remus could go back in time and punch 21-year old Remus, he would.

The minute Remus walked into the conference room and saw Christopher, he was instantly transported. Despite the corporate room, the fine pressed suits, and all the other people, it was still Chris. In one moment, he saw everything he fell in love with and everything he hated. It was like he was 19 all over again.

Chris stood up as they walked into the room. He was wearing a suit, which was a jarring experience in its own right. Remus had never known him to own anything so nice. Chris held out his hand with a nervous smile. It was so professional and so wrong. Remus just shook his head and pulled him into a hug, which Christopher, luckily, returned.

“How are you?” Chris asked. It should've been an easy question, but nothing was easy when it came to Christopher. Remus had been a mess when they got together and he had been a mess when they broke up. It was a loaded question and Remus was not ready to answer it.

“How am I? You’re the one who’s a celebrity. How are you?”

Chris laughed to himself, “Yeah, I’m alright. It’s been really weird and surreal, but good.”

"Good, good." There was so much Remus wanted to say but couldn't, so he just kept staring at Chris as if it would make this situation make sense in his head.

“Well you two seem to be on good terms,” Marlene interrupted. “I was half afraid you would hate each other and this whole operation would go south.”

“Of course we’re still on good terms. It’s hard not to like Remus Lupin,” Chris said and Remus was hoping no one could see the blush on his face. Chris always was better with words.

They all sat down and Marlene started running over the plan. It was mostly what they had discussed - Chris makes a post promoting the Marauder's new single. Chris' team had already picked out a photo of them for Remus to approve. Remus knew this was going to happen, yet he still wasn’t ready for it.

The photo was clearly from a party - at Chris’ apartment, if memory served - and Remus was sitting under Chris’ arm with their entire bodies pressed close together. There was a cigarette in Remus’ mouth - his smoking habit was much worse then - and it was taken on an old polaroid camera. The room was filled with smoke, giving the whole thing a hazy atmosphere that felt like Remus’ memory. 

It was a nice photo of a nice night. They certainly looked like a couple, but nothing that couldn’t be explained away by alcohol and close friendship. Remus liked it. Sirius did not. He had crossed his arms over his chest and was staring at the screen like it was a puzzle he just couldn’t solve. 

“Yeah, this photo looks perfect,” Remus said before Sirius could say anything and ruin it. Remus caught Chris’ eye from across the table. It was strange reconciling the poor kid from the photo with the business suit in front of him. The photo felt like worlds away.

“Perfect,” Chris’ manager said. “Now, if questioned directly, what is the party line?” 

“Can it not just be the truth?” Remus asked.

“Well, of course, it will all come out eventually,” Marlene said. “But I think in the beginning, we say nothing. Just a line of old friends supporting friends.”

“Yes. I think we really let this simmer until we can’t avoid it anymore,” Chris’ manager said. “We want to build intrigue.”

Remus hated that they were talking about his relationship with Chris like this, like it was all some strategy or marketing ploy. The emotions had been real. The relationship had been real.

He imagined what Oliver would say. He would probably be disappointed that Remus was knowingly playing into some mass queer baiting scheme. It’s exactly the kind of use of queer relationships for monetary gain that Oliver complained so loudly about every time another corporate sponsor was announced for Pride and now Remus was playing right into their hands.

But then Remus thought about his apartment with its peeling paint and thin walls. He couldn’t say no. His empty fridge wouldn’t let him. 

So he sat and listened as their managers discussed time frames and hints and interview lines and he tried not to hate himself for it.

-

After the meeting, Chris caught Remus' arm and pulled him away from the rest of the band. They hadn’t really spoken this whole time. James raised his eyebrows but Remus just waved him off.

“Hey, I just wanted to say that I am really proud of you for all the music stuff,” Chris said to him. “You’ve always been incredibly talented and I’m so glad things are starting to work out for you.”

Remus smiled. He could picture it now, how easily he fell for this guy - the one who wrote poetry and brought him on walks through the forest. “Thank you, Chris. That means a lot to me. Congrats on everything that’s been going on with you. It sounds like you’re making it big.”

“Yeah, something like that. Honestly, fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It can be pretty hard to live a normal life when you can’t go to the grocery store without getting stopped for a selfie. And people become really obsessed with you. I mean, they think that you’re their friend or they know everything about you. It’s honestly so weird. Like, I don’t know these people, you know?”

And just like that, Remus remembers the man he broke up with and how Remus came to know one universal truth - all musicians are assholes. He really did not want to hear about how hard it is to have people who want to hear you perform or care about what you have to say. 

“Must be such a different world,” Remus said because he didn’t want to be rude to someone who held his fate in the balance.

“Anyways, how are you really, Remus? And don’t lie.” That was another issue between them. Chris knew him right after Remus’ mom passed, and Remus never knew how to express what he felt and Chris never knew how to help him. 

Well, not never. There were some moments where he would say just the right thing or hold him in just the right way that it made up for all the times they didn’t.

“I’ve been alright,” Remus said. “It’s been hard, you know. You knew me at the worst of it. But I’ve got a job and I like this band I’m in. It looks like things are starting to look up for us.”

Chris smiled, “I really hope so. The music is great, I mean it. Look, give me your phone. I’ll put in my number. We should stay in touch.”

“Chris…” Remus really did not think starting this up again would be a good idea.

“Not like that,” Chris said with a laugh. “Just as friends. Musician friends. I mean it.”

“Okay, but just friends. Any sense of funny business and I’m out,” Remus said with a smile.

“Duly noted.” Chris put his number in Remus’ phone and then waved goodbye. Remus went back to where the rest of the Marauders were standing.

“Wanna go back to the flat?” James asked. “Peter has to go but Sirius and I are going to have a drink.” 

Remus nodded and they headed off in the direction of the car.

-

“There’s just something I don’t like about the guy,” Sirius said. They were all sipping beer in their flat as the night ran on. James was absentmindedly playing guitar and the rest of them were just sitting lazily around the flat. Sirius had invited Mary, but for once, they weren’t fighting or putting their relationship on gross display.

“How could you not like him? He’s Christopher Barley,” Mary responded from under Sirius’ arm.

“And he was really quite nice to give us the time of day,” James said.

“I don’t know, something just rubs me the wrong way. I mean he wrote this whole album about Remus. That’s kind of fucked up, don’t you think?” Sirius was asking James who just shook his head and went back to strumming the guitar.

“I’ve written quite a few songs about him too,” Remus said.

“Yeah but you haven’t become famous off of it.” Sirius sounded personally offended by Chris and Remus had no idea why.

“Well, if the single does well, won’t I be doing exactly the same thing?” Remus said.

Sirius groaned, “It’s different.”

“I really don’t think it is, mate,” James said. “I honestly can’t believe you didn’t tell us sooner, Remus.”

“I don’t really think about him anymore. It’s been years.”

“When were you together?” Mary asked.

“Does it matter?” Sirius huffed, but Remus ignored him.

“From when I was 19 and then we broke up a year and a half after that so I must’ve been around 21.” In the three years since Remus didn’t feel like he’d gotten up to anything. Chris was selling records around the world.

“What’d you think of the album? Does it annoy you when it comes on at parties and things?” Mary seemed genuinely interested in it which only served to annoy Sirius more.

“I really haven’t listened to it. I promise you guys that I haven’t thought about him in months, years even.”

“Good,” Sirius said as if it had anything to do with him.

“Well, we should listen to at least one song,” Mary said, “so you know what you’re getting into.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” James said. Remus would’ve protested - he really didn’t want to hear whatever Chris had written about him. He had blocked it out the first time - but then he saw Sirius roll his eyes.

“Go ahead and put one on, Mary,” Remus said. She happily got up and connected her phone to the speaker. 

Everyone fell silent as Chris’ voice filled the room.

_ "I don't love you anymore" _

_ A pretty line that I adore _

_ Five words that I've heard before _

Immediately Remus remembered why he never listened to the album for a second time. It was way too real. Remus had said those words to Christopher and he did it viciously. He did it with an almost violent glee as he tore their relationship apart. Their breakup was not an easy one.

_ ‘Cause you keep me on a rope _

_ And tied a noose around my throat _

_ You're gone, then back at my door _

They would fight like hell. At some point, it became a competition to just say the worst things to one another and see who could take it the longest. Then eventually someone would get pissed and storm out and break up, only to be back together by the end of the week. It was hell for both of them.

_ Oh, I can't be _

_ The kiss that you don't need _

_ The lie between your teeth _

_ The cut that always bleeds _

“Fuck,” Remus said to the room. “The internet is going to hate me.”

Mary leaned over and patted his knee, “If it makes you feel better, the internet already hates you. They just don’t know it’s you yet.”

“How the fuck would that make him feel better?” Sirius said.

“Jesus, it was just a joke. Calm down.”

“Well, it wasn’t funny.”

Remus could sense a fight was brewing and he needed to end it quick. “Honestly, guys. It’ll just be better for us. No such thing as bad press, right?” 

And even though he was saying it, he didn’t really believe it himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes that is christopher from ATYD. I actually have never read MsKingBean89's band fic so any similarities are completely coincidental.
> 
> thank u guys for reading! i hope you are liking it  
> -  
> Songs in this chapter:  
> Snow by Ricky Montgomery  
> The Cut That Always Bleeds by Conan Gray


	5. the power of twitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:  
> The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

TW for needles and piercings

The song was being mastered and would be released Friday, which meant that for the rest of the week, Remus had to go back to working at the bar at the worst hours.  It was so strange to go from business meetings and big contracts to being yelled by drunks and slowly deafening himself with the sound of whatever crap band was playing that night.

On top of all this, Sirius had started texting him at all hours of the night. Remus suspected it was because James was asleep and Sirius knew he worked late. And Remus got the feeling that James had told Sirius to stop complaining to him about Mary, which meant that Remus got minute-by-minute updates of their tumultuous relationship.

8:04pm - i have to apologize to mary tonight, if i dont text back, assume im dead

8:17pm - shes actually in a good mood tonight, crisis averted

8:37pm - spoke too soon

9:12pm - can i come over later tonight if this all goes south

9:14pm - moonyyy

9:15pm - i really like the nickname i think itll stick

9:21pm - plss say yes

Remus was absolutely not supposed to be on his phone at work but it can be hard to ignore when it wouldn’t stop buzzing for a literal hour. Making sure his manager wasn’t looking, Remus snuck out his phone and sent back a quick text.

_ 9:25pm - I get off at ten.  _

9:25pm - is that a yes??

_ 9:26pm - Yes. Now, stop texting me. I’ve got to work. _

When Remus went back to his flat, he found Sirius waiting on the stairs. Of course, he was waiting like some kind of lost puppy.

“You’re lucky I got off early,” Remus said to him as he opened the door to his apartment.

“This is early?” Sirius asked. He was looking around Remus' tiny studio apartment, taking in the cluttered surroundings and trying his best not to show judgment on his face.

Remus threw his coat on a pile of books and collapsed onto the bed in the center of the room. “Yes. Usually, I get off around 2 or 3.” Remus watched as Sirius tried to figure out where to sit. The kitchen stools were piled high with miscellaneous crap and the floor was covered in books. He really needed more space but London rent was high and he refused to get a roommate despite Oliver's repeated offers. "Just sit on the bed, Sirius. I don’t bite.”

Sirius nodded and sat down carefully on the edge of the mattress. He was sitting with a perfect posture that Remus had no doubt was drilled into him since he was a child. “You like to read?” Sirius asked politely as if it wasn't obvious by almost every free surface being covered in old books.

“Yeah,” Remus said. “We couldn’t afford a telly when I was a kid so my mum would buy me all these books from secondhand stores.” Remus picked up whatever was closest and tossed it to Sirius, “Read one if you want.”

Remus watched as Sirius examined the cover. It was some fantasy novel that Remus was obsessed with when he was younger. “My mother never let us read anything but the classics,” Sirius said. He opened the book and started flipping through the first few chapters.

“Sounds like a delightful woman, your mother.”

Sirius let out a small laugh, “Yeah, she was a real ball of fun.”

“Want a drink?” Remus asked, mostly because he needed a distraction from the attractive and unavailable boy sitting on his bed.

“God, yes,” Sirius replied instantly. Remus got up and started pouring out some cheap vodka and club soda. It wouldn’t taste good, but it would get the job done.

By the time Remus turned back to Sirius with a drink, the other boy was already enthralled in the book. “Are you liking it?” he asked.

“It’s so easy to read,” Sirius said, amazed.

“Well, it was written for 11-year-olds.”

“Can I borrow this?” 

Remus wanted to laugh, “Are you being serious right now?”

“I’m always Sirius,” he replied with a grin.

Remus groaned loudly and sat down on the bed. “How have I not heard that one before?”

“Well, James and Peter learned long ago to remove that word from their vocabulary.” Sirius accepted the drink from Remus’ hand. “But can I borrow it?”

“Yeah, of course. What’s mine is yours.”

Sirius closed the book and put it in his jacket pocket. Sirius turned to examine the cluttered little flat around him, but eventually, his gaze fell on Remus. His icy blue eyes met Remus' green ones. Remus never remembered eye contact feeling so intense.

“How is Mary?” Remus asked, mostly to remind Sirius and himself of the very real girlfriend Sirius was here to escape.

“Fuck Mary,” Sirius said and took a long sip of his drink.

“Don’t you?” Remus asked, amused. He moved to lay down on the bed and Sirius laid down next to him. They didn’t look at each other, but they couldn’t have been more than inches apart. Remus could hear the even rise and fall of Sirius' breath. 

“I don’t want to talk about Mary,” Sirius said to the air between them.

“Then what do you want to talk about?” It felt like a much deeper question than Remus had meant it to be.

Sirius turned on his side. Remus knew he was looking at him, but he refused to turn and meet him. “When did you pierce your ears?” Sirius asked. 

“I think I was nineteen," Remus remembered. "My friends and I all got drunk and pierced each other’s ear with a needle.”

“Wasn’t it painful?” 

“Not really. I mean we were so drunk." Remus tried to call up how it felt, "It just feels like a needle going through your ear.”

Sirius reached out and touched the small golden hoops Remus had in. Remus tried his very best to remain still as Sirius’ hand brushed against his cheek. “I like them,” Sirius said softly.

“Thank you,” Remus said because he didn’t know what else he could possibly say. Remus knew he should break the tension somehow - stand up or turn away from Sirius’ touch - but he didn’t want to. There was something so addictive about Sirius Black.

“Could you pierce mine?” Sirius asked, finally removing his hand and sitting up to take another drink. Remus finally dared to look over at Sirius. His face was lit by the warm glow of Remus’ lamp but his hair was caught in the moonlight. He was gorgeous like this - when he wasn’t showing off or trying to catch someone’s eye. His beauty could be so casual. 

_ Mary is a lucky woman _ , Remus thought to himself and then finished his drink.

“Yeah, I can pierce them if you want. I think I have a needle around here somewhere.” Remus stood up and started rummaging through his things.

“What? Right now?” 

“You got anything better to do tonight?”

“No, no.” Sirius took another sip from his drink. “I mean, do you even have any of the stuff?”

“Yeah, of course,” Remus said and pulled out the kit from under some clothes and handed it to Sirius. Remus also poured himself another drink, because he was going to need it.

“What is this? A sewing and paint kit?”

Of course, Sirius had never seen one before. “It’s for stick and poke tattoos, but it’s where I keep a piercing needle that will work for this too.”

“Do you have tattoos?” 

Remus turned to him and held out his hand. On his middle finger, there was a singular crescent moon tattoo. It was a lot blurrier than it once was but it was still more than legible.

Sirius let out a large laugh, “See, I told you Moony was the perfect nickname.” 

Remus rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I have other ones but I can’t really show them now.”

“Why not?” Sirius asked.

“Because I would need to take off my pants, Sirius.” 

“Oh.” A blush was spreading across his face. “When did you get those?”

“Around the same time I got my ears pierced.” It was the year after his mom died. He sort of went off the deep end after that. 

Remus took the tattoo kit out of Sirius’ hands and took out a marker. He took Sirius’ face in his hands and tucked Sirius’ hair behind his ear. It seemed like Sirius might say something but he fell silent at Remus' touch. Remus wiped either ear with an alcohol swab and marked a dot.

Remus turned back to the kit and took out the needle. He flipped out his lighter and starting holding the needle to the flame.

“Why the fuck are you doing?” Sirius practically yelled.

“Sterilizing the needle, calm down, Padfoot.”

Sirius’ face broke out into a grin, “You called me Padfoot.”

Remus ignored his expression and focused on the needle. “It’s your nickname, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but you, Remus Middle-Name Lupin, called me Padfoot.” Sirius sounded as if he had just won the lottery. 

It was hard not to smile when he said it like that. “My middle name is John,” Remus said.

“That’s so boring. You can’t have a first name like Remus and then have the most boring middle name ever.”

“It’s my dad’s name. My mum picked out my first name which is why it’s amazing and my dad picked out my middle name, which is it’s terrible. Anyway, not all of us can have cool celestial names.”

“You think my name is cool?”

Remus looked up from where he was keeping the needle. “I never said that.”

“Oh but you totally do.” Sirius looked way too smug with himself.

“Go find the jewelry box on the windowsill,” Remus said, changing the subject. “Pick out some simple earrings we can put in after I pierce this. And put your hair up.”

Sirius did as he was told and came back with long dangling silver earrings - a gift from Oliver. Remus had no doubt they would look great on Sirius, but they weren’t good for just pierced ears.

“No, those won’t work. I said simple. You can’t take these out for the next six weeks.”

“Six weeks?” Sirius repeated.

“Yeah, didn’t you know that?”

“How would I know that? I don’t have sisters!”

"It's common knowledge, Sirius." 

Sirius grumbled under his breath.

“It’s not too late to back out,” Remus said.

Sirius looked up at him with a fierce gaze, “Sirius Black never backs down from a challenge,” and he came back with two simple black studs.

“Perfect, okay hold still.” Remus held Sirius’ face in his hands and lined up the needle. “I’ll count to three. One, two,” and Remus stuck the needle through his ear without getting to three. He quickly took one of the studs from Sirius’ hand and stuck it through the new hole. “How’d that feel?”

“Like a needle just went through my ear."

“Don’t be a baby,” Remus said and started getting the needle ready for the next ear. “Okay, you’ll need to be careful about these. Twist them three times a day and be sure to wash them with soap and water and then occasionally with alcohol swabs.”

“That seems like so much,” Sirius said.

“It’s really not. Five-year-olds get their ears pierced all the time.” Remus took Sirius' face in his other hand, not even bothering to do a countdown this time, and pierced his other ear. Once the new earring was in, Remus stood back and looked at Sirius. “All done.”

“How does it look?” Sirius asked. There was a mirror directly to Sirius’ right, but he asked Remus first.

Remus didn’t know how to respond when Sirius looked at him like that - like Remus was the only one who mattered. “It looks good. You look cool,” Remus said and turned to clean off the needle. 

Sirius turned to the mirror and admired himself in the glass. “It looks perfect,” Sirius said. He turned to face Remus again, “What would I do without you?”

-

The attention from the song had not gone down. James had started texting them daily reports of how their Twitter was doing. At first, it was five thousand followers, then ten, and now fifteen thousand Twitter followers and they hadn’t even released anything yet.

That didn’t mean their Twitter was silent, however. Sirius had started making snarky replies to fans and James had taken to uploading behind-the-scenes videos of them from rehearsal. Some of these videos were of them playing instruments, but most were of them just messing about.

One video, in particular, had gone moderately viral. It was from one of Remus’ first rehearsals where he and Sirius were laying next to each other on a sun-baked section of concrete. James was whispering into the camera as he zoomed in on them. “Look at them, making friends,” he said. Remus wasn’t aware he had even filmed that.

But now it was everywhere. People were already taking parts of other clips from shows, anything where he and Sirius so much as glanced at each other and were now constantly tweeting at the Marauders’ Twitter account to ask if they were dating.

Part of Remus expected this. As an openly gay man, he knew people were going to look extra carefully into his friendships. He didn’t have much of a problem with the concept, but did it have to be Sirius?

Not helping was the fact that Sirius found this all hilarious, or he was trying to convince himself that it was. At band rehearsal, after the video had blown up, Sirius read the comments out loud like he was hearing the funniest joke in the world. He would even go up to Remus in between songs and show him the best comments.

Remus didn’t have a problem with any of this on principle. Some of the comments were even quite hilarious. But there was something in the way Sirius would do it as if it was so improbable that anyone could even  _ think _ that there was something between them. 

It wasn’t like Sirius had been laughing his drunk ass off in Remus’ bed the night before. Sure, it was all platonic, but it wasn’t outrageous to give it a second thought.

Yet Remus couldn’t get mad at Sirius for this, because what could he even say - _I don’t think the idea of you and I dating is so ridiculous?_ No, Remus could never say that, because it was way too close to the truth.

Remus knew, deep down, that if Sirius broke up with Mary right now and asked him on a date, he would say yes, without hesitation. Because despite Sirius’ stubbornness and moodiness and general musician assholeness, Remus really didn’t mind the idea of everyone thinking they're together. At the very least, it validated that everyone was picking up on the same thing he was.

With the added attention came added pressure. James was going absolutely insane every time the song was messed up even a little. This only served to make everyone more stressed and mess up even more, especially Peter who was not taking the pressure well.

Everyone responded to James’ criticism differently. Remus tended to over-practice the same section. Sirius would blow it off like it didn’t matter but secretly make the changes. Peter being corrected only served to make him more nervous. He would stop paying attention to the flow of the music and only his notes which threw off the whole thing.

James, in his frustration, was going over the song with Peter one on one for the tenth time.

Remus went to go talk to Sirius, as he always did on these little breaks. 

“How do the piercings feel?” Remus asked.

Sirius was texting on his phone, however. “Yeah, good.” He barely even glanced at Remus, before starting a phone call with Mary. “Hey, baby,” he answered the phone like it was his favorite person. Remus supposed she should be, but it still felt like a slap in the face.

Remus couldn’t deal with his mood swings. One day it was like Sirius was all his, the next it was like they were strangers to each other.

Remus wanted to go up to James and ask him what was Sirius' deal, but he looked like he might pull out his hair if Peter didn't get this section right. Instead, Remus sent a text to Oliver, 

6:43pm - All musicians are assholes.

6:44pm -  _ the drummer? _

6:44pm - Yup.

6:45pm -  _ you never learn.  _

6:47pm -  _ it looks like you two are getting traction tho on twitter. im glad youre getting recognition, but be careful with your heart. _

6:48pm - Yeah, the internet is strange. I mostly leave it alone. I wish it would do the same to me.

6:48pm -  _ price of fame nowadays. _

6:49pm - We’re not famous yet.

6:49pm -  _ yet. _

-

Sirius did not stop coming over to Remus’ apartment. Despite how cold he could be at rehearsals when it was just the two of them, it was like none of that had ever happened.

“You should give me a key,” Sirius said when Remus found him waiting for him after work.

“I only have the one,” Remus replied. “Oliver has the spare.”

“Well, then make another one.” Sirius had taken to throwing himself on Remus’ bed as if it were his own. Remus would be more offended if there was anywhere else to sit.

“Why? So you can come somewhere to escape from Mary?”

“Do you think that’s all this is?” Remus just gave Sirius a look. “Okay, so that’s part of it, but it’s not everything. I enjoy hanging out with you.”

Remus rolled his eyes and grabbed his bass from where it was leaning against the wall, “Whatever you tell yourself.”

“I do! You’re very nice to be around.” 

Remus sat down on the bed next to him. “And there’s no way in hell Mary would risk coming out here.”

“Is it so hard to believe that I actually like you?” Sirius was staring straight at him.

Remus wanted to scream. Sirius, as always, had no conception of what his words meant. “Scoot over, I need to practice,” Remus said in lieu of answering.

“No, you don’t. You always sound great,” but Sirius moved anyway.

“There’s this one part in Snow I keep messing up.” 

Sirius hummed in response as Remus started practicing. Remus knew he shouldn’t play this late at night because he did have neighbors but he also knew those neighbors loved to blast tango music every Sunday, so it was revenge.

Sirius had started rummaging through the books around him. He would glance at covers, maybe even read a few lines and then put it back in the pile. What he was looking for, Remus didn’t know.

But then Sirius picked up Remus’ journal. “What’s this?” he asked.

Part of Remus wanted to snatch it away like a 16-year old girl whose diary just been discovered, but he knew that would only entice Sirius more. “Just song ideas. Lyrics and stuff.”

Sirius started flipping through, without asking because he’s Sirius, and then said, “This one sounds pretty good,” and then proceeded to read aloud. 

“In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises. Be us against the world.” Sirius paused, “How is it supposed to go?”

Remus sighed and then grabbed his guitar from under a pile of clothes. The guitar was a bit broken, but it’s all Remus had so he started playing the next line and singing lowly.

_ In another life _

_ I would make you stay _

_ So I don't have to say you were _

_ The one that got away _

“It sounds great, Moony,” Sirius said softly. The nickname made Remus feel warm. “You should show it to James.” Sirius clearly had not picked up that the song was about him.

“Yeah, maybe,” Remus said. He didn’t want to show it to James on the off chance that he figured out who it was really about.

“No, don’t "maybe" me. It’s great, Remus!”

“We already have a lot of songs.”

“So we’ll make two albums!” There was something so feral about an impassioned Sirius. You can call him many things but you can’t call him apathetic.

“Do you think a lot of people will come to the show tomorrow?” Remus asked as a way to change the subject.

Sirius looked a little less bright but he considered Remus’ thoughts. “There has to be right? I mean, fifteen thousand fans?”

It sounded ridiculous to think that many people cared about his music. “Yeah, but fifteen thousand in a world of seven billion. And they’re all online, all scattered around. Who knows if they’ll actually show.”

“Always the optimist, Moony.”

“I have nothing against optimism,” Remus said. “It has just yet to do me any good.”

Sirius shook his head in a way that showed Remus that he was being unnecessarily broody. “How about this,” Sirius propositioned, “if less than 100 people show up, I owe you a favor. If more than 100 people show up, you owe me. Deal?” Sirius held out his hand as if it were a business deal.

“I’m not big on owing anyone anything,” Remus said.

“Yeah, but I’m not just anyone,” Sirius responded with a grin. Remus crossed his arms and hid his hands. “Come onnnnn, Moony. Nothing sinister, I promise.” 

Sirius Black was looking up at him with big doe eyes and a trusting smile. How could Remus say no to that? 

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his hand. At least there was the possibility that Sirius would owe him.

Unbeknownst to Remus, the Marauders Twitter account posted soon thereafter, “I just bet Remus that more than a hundred people would show up to tonight’s gig. Please help me win? - Sirius.”

-

From the minute they rolled up to the gig, they could tell the energy was different. Even though the doors didn’t open for another hour, it was almost impossible to find parking. The streets were pretty active as well despite Remus knowing for a fact that this part of town was normally dead.

“What the fuck is going on?” Remus asked as he peered out the windows.

“Maybe there’s a festival or something?” Peter suggested though he sounded like he didn’t believe it himself.

“A festival for what, exactly?” Sirius asked. “It’s the middle of January.”

“Let’s just find parking,” James said diplomatically.

They ended up finding parking quite a few streets over from the club, so they started unloading their instruments and amps on the street and were trying to figure out the best way to carry all this when a voice interrupted them.

“Ohmygod, I think it’s them.” It came from a young woman who was standing next to a boy about her age. They were staring at the Marauders. Remus had heard them, but he presumed they were talking about something else as the two friends whispered to each other back and forth.

But Remus realized that as they giggled and tried to slyly take photos, that they were staring right at them. Remus tried to ignore it. He was used to people staring, but something about this felt different.

“Excuse me,” the young woman said and the whole band turned to look at her. “Are you guys the Marauders?”

Instantly, they all relaxed. Peter looked practically ecstatic to be recognized while Sirius put on his charming persona. James took the lead and was using his half-professional half-band persona voice. “Yes, we are.”

The two of them looked at each other with absolute glee. “Ohmygod,” the boy said. “We love you guys. We haven’t stopped listening to the videos all day. Can we get a photo?”

James took this all in stride, “Yeah, of course. Gather round boys.” The four of them gathered next to the friends for a selfie. It all felt so strange to Remus; he was never a huge fan of having his photo taken, but nevertheless, he crowded into the frame.

“Where are you guys from?” James asked and listened as the fans babbled about their hometown and the drive up. James was nodding enthusiastically and asking all these follow-up questions.

Remus stood off to the side and watched. He wasn’t good at talking to strangers, not like James who seemed to always know what to ask, or Sirius who could turn on the charm and flirt with anything with legs. Even Peter found a way to anxiously insert his opinion.

As they all talked about the gig and music, Remus tapped on Sirius’ arm and whispered into his ear, “Maybe we could get their help bringing stuff back?” Remus really didn't want to take two trips.

Sirius gave him a private smile, “Smart man, Moony,” he whispered back. When Remus turned back to the conversation, the boy’s eyes were on them. Remus felt like he had been caught.

“Hey,” Sirius said to the group, “Do you think you could give us a hand?” 

Which is how Remus found himself walking next to the boy, Dylan, as he carried an amp down to the club. “So when did you get involved with the band?” Dylan asked him.

This was much easier - a one-on-one conversation Remus could manage. “Oh about a month or so ago.”

“Really? You guys seem much closer than that.” 

“Oh, well James, Sirius, and Peter all grew up with each other.”

“Yeah, but you as well.” Remus looked over at Dylan and saw him smile. Dylan was cute and clearly into him. If he was Sirius, maybe he would outwardly flirt or brush something out of his hair. But Remus wasn’t Sirius, so he just continued chatting like anyone else.

“When you spend all day practicing with them, I guess they start to rub off.” They continued walking and Remus realized how nice it was to talk to someone new. Sometimes the band and the bar could become all-consuming. “So, how’d you hear about this gig?”

“Oh, though Twitter!” Dylan said. “I saw Sirius’ tweet about the bet.”

Remus stopped walking and Dylan stopped next to him. “What tweet?”

“You didn’t see it?” Dylan pulled out his phone and showed him Sirius’ tweet.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Remus said as he stared at Dylan’s phone screen, and then continued walking.

Dylan laughed like Remus had said the funniest thing in the world. “So are you two a thing?”

“Me and Sirius?” Dylan nodded. “Nah. It’s not like that,” Remus said, feeling like it was a bit of a lie, but not sure why. “Not to mention, Sirius has a girlfriend.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Dylan said. 

“Yeah. They’re…” If this was Lily, Remus would have no issue detailing Sirius and Mary's tumultuous relationship. But this was a fan and Remus was very aware that anything he said could end up on Twitter. “They’re intense,” Remus said finally, “He doesn’t shut up about her.”

“And what about you,” Dylan asked. “Do you have a girlfriend? boyfriend?”

Remus looked over at Dylan’s hopeful face. He didn’t know if he wanted to go home with Dylan tonight, but it was exciting to have the possibility. “No,” he said. “No boyfriend.”

Dylan just nodded with a smile on his face. They finally approached the club where they had to set up and Dylan placed the amp on the ground once they reached the rest of the band. “Well, find me after the show tonight, if you want,” Dylan said and then disappeared with his friend. As soon as they were around the corner, Remus could hear their excited whispers.

“Who was that?” James asked with a knowing smile.

Remus adjusted the strap of his bass, extremely aware of everyone’s, but in particular, Sirius’ eyes on him. “It was just Dylan. You met him.”

“Yeah, but not like you did,” James teased.

“Let’s just get set up,” Sirius said and they all followed him inside.

-

After they set up and did a short rehearsal on stage, they all went into the back room to get ready. The manager of the club had come up to them when they arrived and said that they were expecting the biggest crowd they had since AC/DC had played decades ago. 

After he said that, James had started doing push-ups in the center of the room to get the nerves out. Peter had gotten on the phone with Desdemona to tell her the good news.  _ They’re cute _ , Remus thought as he watched Peter walk out into the back alley with the phone pressed to his ear.

Sirius came up to where Remus was sitting against the wall, “Want me to do your makeup again?”

“Yeah, sure,” Remus said and scooted so Sirius would have room next to him. Sirius sat down and started getting his eyeliner ready. Before Sirius could start, Remus reached out and touched the black studs in Sirius’ ears. Sirius went completely still under his touch. “They look good.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Sirius cleared his throat. “I’ve gotten used to sleeping in them so they don’t hurt now.”

“And you’re turning them?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said and then twisted them for good measure. For some reason, the tiny gesture made Remus smile, which was soon echoed on Sirius’ face. “Let’s get some eyeliner on you.”

It was easier now that Remus knew what to expect. It was still uncomfortable to have something so close to his eye, but he trusted Sirius. And he didn’t freak out as much under Sirius’ touch. In fact, it felt really, really nice.

“I heard about your tweet,” Remus said.

“Be still,” Sirius replied. “From Dylan?”

“Yeah.” Remus was trying to remain as frozen as possible. “He was nice.”

“He wants to fuck you,” Sirius said bluntly. Remus glanced down to read Sirius’ expression but he couldn’t. It was the same concentrated expression he wore whenever he was doing something difficult. “Look up,” Sirius said and then continued, “Are you going to?”

“Haven’t decided yet,” Remus responded which was the truth.

“Could be fun, sleeping with a fan.” Sirius had finally finished the eyeliner and he sat back.

“Maybe for you. I would be too worried about him posting about it later.”

“A legion of fanboys are somewhere out there crying,” Sirius joked.

“You’re one to talk. That girl couldn’t keep her eyes off you.”

“Yeah, too bad I’ve got Mary.”

“Where is Mary?” She seemed the type to only trust Sirius as far as she could throw him, and with Sirius’ track record, it wasn’t exactly unwarranted.

“She had a thing with her girl friends,” Sirius said. He didn’t seem to feel any sort of way about it.

“Too bad. I like Mary.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, “Do you?”

Remus started fidgeting with the edge of his sweater. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

Sirius just shrugged. If Remus was braver, he would’ve said something about the way Sirius treats Oliver, but Remus wasn’t looking for a fight.

Just then, James came and sat across from them. “Boys, I feel like we’re on the edge of something big.”

“Yeah, I think the crowd is going to be huge tonight,” Sirius said.

“How long until we go on?” Remus asked.

“A few minutes,” James said. “I should probably go find Peter, actually.” James stood back up but before he left, he said, “Let’s kill it tonight.”

-

The crowd was, in fact, huge. Bigger than Remus had ever seen at a club like this. They were packed in shoulder to shoulder in a way that felt like it was very much against fire code, all of them with phones in hand pounced to record. There must have been hundreds, all of them chanting, “Marauders, Marauders, Marauders.” 

As the boys walked out, they erupted into screams. Remus looked out at them in awe. All these people were here to hear him play. He gave them a smile and a little wave, which made them scream louder. Remus felt invincible.

James got on the mic, “Hello, we’re the Marauders!” Remus thought he might go deaf from the crowd. “We’re gonna play some songs for you.” James nodded to Sirius, and he started playing.

As the crowd jumped with the music, it was the best Remus could ever remember feeling.

-

Once the show ended, the Marauders had to wait until the place cleared out before they could leave. James had gotten off stage and immediately called his parents to tell them all about the show and the crowd. Peter had done the same, gone off to call his parents. Remus hadn’t heard much about Peter’s family but he got the impression that they were close.

Remus considered calling his dad, but his dad didn’t even know he was in this band. Nor did he want to struggle to speak more than a few words to him. He could call Oliver, but he would probably see him later this week anyways. Lily, perhaps? But even that felt wrong. They were old friends but not that close now.

In a moment, Remus was struck with a deep loneliness, the kind that always crept up in the most unexpected times, like when he was making himself breakfast in his shoebox apartment or when he realized it was a holiday and he had no one to celebrate it with.

“That was amazing, wasn’t it?” Sirius said as he sat down on the couch next to him.

Remus smiled. Two boys with no one to call. At least they had each other. “It was crazy. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“We don’t even have any music out,” Sirius said in awe. “Imagine what it will be like once everyone can listen.”

“It’s surreal.” Remus still had trouble believing that people wanted to listen to his music. 

“What are you gonna do when we get rich and famous?” It was the kind of question a kid would ask, but when Sirius said it, Remus wanted to believe it would come true.

“Move out of my apartment,” Remus said.

Sirius laughed, “Nooo, I love your apartment!”

“You love my apartment? Which part - the thin walls, the no heat, the lack of space?”

“Shut up, It’s cute. You have all your books and things. It’s very Moony.”

_Moony meant cute?_ Remus didn’t want to dwell on it. “What will you do?” Remus asked.

“I will throw the biggest parties with every famous person in the world.” Sirius’ whole body was turned to face Remus. If Sirius let his arm fall onto the couch’s back, his hand would brush against Remus. 

“Very Jay Gatsby of you.” Sirius hummed in response. “Who’s your Daisy? Mary?”

“I already have Mary. Aren’t I supposed to have a green light?” Sirius was staring into Remus’ eyes. Remus became very aware of just how green his eyes were. 

“That book is supposed to be a rejection of mass wealth, not a celebration,” Remus pointed out.

Sirius sighed, “I want to pay back the Potters for all they’ve given me.”   


“I don’t feel like Euphemia would accept.”

“No, probably not,” Sirius said and he ran a hand through his dark hair. “But I want to offer or take them on vacation somewhere pretty. Like Rome or Paris. Buy them a summer home.”

“I’ve never been out of the country,” Remus mused. “I feel like it would be nice.”

“You’ve never left the UK?” Sirius sounded shocked, but Remus didn’t know why. He knew Remus’ family was poor.

“Have you?”

“Yeah, my family had a summer home in Nice,” then Sirius stopped either because he felt guilty bringing up his wealth or he remembered that they weren’t really his family anymore.

Remus elected to politely ignore it. “So do you speak French?”

“Oui, c'était l'enseignement obligatoire dans ma maison,” he responded in a perfect French accent. It was unreasonably attractive. “It was mandatory education in my house.”

Remus always thought another language would be an asset but if the bitterness in Sirius’ voice meant anything, it sounded more like a burden. It was just another sign of his privileged family that he just couldn’t shake. “I took French in school,” Remus said, conversationally. “I was shit.”

“I can teach you sometime," Sirius offered gently.

Remus gave Sirius a smile, “Yeah, I would like that.”

James walked back into the room and Sirius instantly went back to facing out towards the room instead of Remus. “How’re the parents?” Sirius asked.

“Wonderful. They’re really proud of us.” Remus couldn’t tell if this “us” meant him and Sirius or the Marauders in general. Either way, James had a wild grin. “I talked to the bar manager, he said there were over 400 people here tonight.”

“That’s incredible,” Remus said.

“I know!” James responded. “I have to go call Marlene.” Remus wanted to warn him about calling her this late at night but he was already gone.

“Now you owe me,” Sirius said with a sly grin.

Remus groaned, “You totally cheated sending out that tweet!”

“You never said I couldn’t ask people to come.” Sirius was much too proud of himself.

Remus rolled his eyes. He would be mad about losing, but he was still so stunned by the numbers. “You win this round.”

“Are you asking for a rematch, Mr. Lupin?” Sirius’ eyes glimmered with mischief.

“Yes I am, Mr. Black,” Remus said, matching his tone. They leaned into each other like they were conspiring for some wicked plan.

Peter walked in and saw them, “Oh no. The two of you looking like that is never good.”

“Looking like what?” Sirius asked innocently.

“Like two villains from a bad children’s cartoon.”

Sirius threw his hand over his chest, “You wound me, Wormtail. Remus and I have nothing but the purest intentions at heart.” Sirius gave Remus a wink.

Peter shook his head, “I don’t believe it for a second, partners in crime, you two.”

Remus liked that,  _ partners in crime _ .

James walked back in, “Alright boys. It’s starting to really clear out. Ready to go?”

They all nodded in agreement and started collecting their things. James came up to Remus individually, “Hey, that Dylan kid is still waiting for you. What do you want me to say?”

Remus looked over at where Sirius was packing up his things. Sirius’ dark fell over his face so he pulled it up into a ponytail and stuck a drumstick through it. Remus knew in an instant that the choice would always be like this - the opportunity of some boy or the idea of Sirius - and he knew what his answer would always be.

“I think I’m just going to go home with the band. We should all go celebrate the great show.” 

James nodded, patted Remus on the shoulder, and then went out, presumably to tell Dylan that Remus wasn’t coming.

From across the room, Sirius tossed Remus his songwriting notebook, “We can’t have you forgetting that. Where would we get all our best songs?” 

Remus gratefully caught it and gave the other boy a smile. His answer would be Sirius, every time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative title for this could be "all musicians are assholes."
> 
> here's my [tumblr!](https://kriskrakel.tumblr.com/) come say hello!
> 
> also i used google translate for the french, let me know if it's wrong!!


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